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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

I have a problem. I'm in love with a man who still loves his ex-girlfriend (after five years), but she is now happily married with someone else. They were a couple for three years and it was a so called "secret" relationship because her mother didn't like him. She knows he still loves her, but she loves her husband.

He had a girlfriend for two years but he didn´t love her. He cheated on her. He just can't go on.and that makes me terrified. I don´t know if I am a fool or what, but I want to help him, want to help him to go on. He likes me, but I want more. But I know he can't love another if he just can't go on.

Please help me, what can I do?

Sincerely,

Laura

A: Dear Laura-

If this was literally the last man on earth with a working penis I might think about beginning to ponder the idea of considering a rendez-vous with Mr. Can't Go On, but, even then, even then(!), I'd research the hell out of the latest innovations in dildo technology.

"He likes me, but I want more." More cheating? More pseudo suicidal shenanigans? More pain-in-the-assness? Go for it!

Can't go on?! Can't go on being an asshole, maybe. If the two of you are vying for an award in daytime drama stop it already because you've got my vote. And you, with the co-dependent Sister Mary act, you're slaying me.

Let me put it several other ways since you seem to have suffered a brain injury in the love department (or perhaps a love injury in the brain department-either way the boat is leaving and you're not on it.):

• If you need a piano player, would you hire a two-handed amputee?
• If you have a medical emergency would you call your hairdresser?
• If you need to communicate with a deaf person would you just shout louder?

In other words (two-handed drum roll please): if you want to start a relationship, would you go after someone who is completely and utterly UNavailable? Right, so why are you?

I'll tell you why: because you don't really want a relationship. Shhhppt! I can already hear you saying "but yes, I do." Uh, no, you don't. Because if you did, if you really wanted to date a man, if you really wanted to hear the music, if you wanted to stop the bleeding, if you wanted to be heard you'd go find someone capable of these things and you're not. You're going after someone who is 110% certifiably incapable of having a relationship. What'sa-matter-U?

The Short Answer: When life repeatedly throws up the same road block (I don't think this is the first time you've tried to date an unavailable man) at some point you might want to step back, scratch your injured head and reflect.

Start with, "Gee, this same thing is happening again and again and again, over and over and whoop there it is.again. Could it be.me?" And I'm here to say, "Why, yes, yes, it is you." And, what a relief, because now you can do something about it.

What can you do? You can learn about boundaries and quit the useless emotional-rescue training. You can understand why you don't feel you deserve to have your needs met. You can stop being terrified and start understanding.yourself! While you're at it you can ditch this cheating-crybaby, emotional-skinflint LOSER. And you can live happily and less foolishly ever after.

Lovingly&logically yours,
Laurie