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Q: I'm sure this is a common question. How long do I give a divorced, forty-year old man, who, by the way, is truly being the best boyfriend ever, to decide if he loves me. We have been dating for five months. He is very affectionate, attentive, and honest about how he feels. When I say I want to have someone feel the same about me as I do about him, he asks me to please be patient. I don't want to play a game, force his hand, etc. When do you think it crosses the line from giving him time to wishing for something that won't ever be there? How do you know?

Signed:

Rena

A: Dear Nag I mean Rena-

Actually, your question is not a common one. The common question is: I've been dating a forty-year-old guy for three years and he's asking for just a little more time before getting engaged. This is not you.

There are people who, when they have it good, can't leave well enough alone. They just can't. They need to mish it and mash it, get all in its face till the good goes bad and then, in a sick way, they are satisfied. This, by the way, is you or the road you're headed down.

You've been dating "the best boyfriend ever" for five stinkin' months and, already, you have your panties in a bunch (not that kind of bunch). Wow. You know what? You don't deserve the best boyfriend ever. You're certainly not being the best girlfriend ever. You're being the best insecure nag ever and it ain't pretty.

Perhaps you've been burned in the past (hung on too long) or are just plain neurotic. Deal with it. By yourself (and your therapist). Don't make your problems his. Or very soon your tune will change to, I truly HAD the best boyfriend ever. Got it?

Now, all that said, do not get me wrong. I am no proponent of hanging around for a millennium waiting for an ambivalent guy to get off the stick and commit. No siree Cruise I mean Bob. That's lame. But that's not your situation now is it? You've only been dating 150 days. Things should be kevin-bacon footloose and fancy free. Fun should be the name of the game right now. Whoopee.

The Short Answer: Renag? Are you listening to me? Cool. Your. Jets. There are worse things in life than to be dating a great guy for 3600 hours. Don't forget why you're in this relationship in the first place (place jeopardy music here) because you enjoy each other's company, not because he's part of your five-year plan or going to fulfill a list of expectations you have. The relationship is young-don't &%$*# it up with your anxiety sweetheart (that's what shrinks are for).

If things are at a stand still at the one-year mark, write in again.

Lovingly&logically yours,
Laurie