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Q: Hi Laurie,
I recently am single after a 10 month relationship.  The relationship had some good times, but I always felt I was kind of 'chasing' him. That I always liked him a little more than he liked me and he was 'keeping his options open'.  About 3 weeks ago we were out and he met someone.  They started dating immediately and I was out of the picture.  There was ALOT of lying and hurt involved and I asked him just to forget about me.  It was very painful for me to say that.  He also told me that this new girl and he are made for each other and he is considering having her move in after 3 weeks!!

He keeps IMing and emailing me telling me that he is sorry and he wants to be friends.  I can't get the thought of the two of them out of my head and we fight.  Why is it so important to him to be friends?  He got a new girl, why does he want me to be his friend?

signed: just want it to end.

A: Dear 'Just Want it to End.'-

Every one gets one (1) group hug prior to smack down so here's yours-I am genuinely sorry your once supposed boyfriend is a complete a-hole and giving you shpilkes (that's Yiddish for "upset stomach, or simply nervous energy like before an interview" or, my addition, when someone dates in front of your back.) It's horrid to be betrayed, but it happens to everyone so, from that perspective, you can feel better knowing your crud-of-an-ex will get his shortly.

While the pain may be too great right now, in due time (cue the Karen Carpenter music) you will either learn and grow from this experience or you will rot and stagnate like your primordial ooze ex-boyfriend-your choice. I do not believe things happen for a reason-save that crap for Dionne Warwick and friends. I do believe, however, we must make meaning out of what happens to us so we're not just sitting around rotating on our thumbs till our number gets called.

In case you're not clear on the lesson potential, let me elaborate:

Lesson #1: Women do not Chase Men

This has nothing to do with The Rules or Miss Manners or a born-again virgin manual. It has to do with the tone you set for the relationship. You chase a guy to go out with you you'll be chasing him for everything (yes, everything!) You'll always be in the one down position (as you've experienced). Let a man do his man thang and then you hold up your end of the bargain by doing the woman thang (which may include the old 'one down' but for a different reason in a different circumstance). Of course, you can break out of these roles but you must first be willing to play them.

Lesson #2: We Don't Pick up Other People When We're on a Date

Did I read you say: "About 3 weeks ago we were out and he met someone." Ok, let me get this straight: your boyfriend (at the time) and you were out on a date (because you were, uh, dating) and he shot a fish in the bar barrel? Where were you while boyfriend was on his fishing trip? In case you didn't know: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. The only part of explanation that's relevant here is the "ex" part and that is now official.

Lesson #3: Two Peas in a Rotting Pod

Who cares if FishBoy wants his new HoBag to move in with him. I looked into my crystal ball and saw that he met a met another woman while he and Ho were out one night.call me psychic.

Lesson #4: Friends my Ass!

You need this guy as a friend like you need five kids. If this is friend material you need to raise the bar sister. The guy wants to absolve himself of acting like a lout. If you befriend him you have, in a sense, forgiven him. Forgiveness is overrated. How about not behaving like a king-size pud in the first place?

Lesson #5: Stop the Madness (aka Take Some Responsibility)

If you really wanted this to end you would have ended it already. Feel me? Unless you took tea with a voodoo queen lately, someone who, say, clipped a lock of your lustrous tresses whilst you were intoxicated from sipping witchy brew and fashioned a wax doll in your likeness, unless that happened, I'd venture to guess you're participating in the madness with Carpanova. There is no marionette master out in the universe requiring you to respond to this guy. No one is willing you to IM or answer phones or respond to emails or ever talk to or have contact with this jerk? So, why are you Grasshoppah? Ah, so.

The Short Answer: Whew, this went on forever. I think you're holding on to this Crappie because at least it's a form of contact even if it hurts in the most vilest way. You think there's nothing better out there so you may as well take whatever crumb this guy will toss you. Well, now stop it, I say. STOP IT! Take a moment to regroup, try to remember where you last placed your self-esteem and realize you deserve better.

Lovingly&logically yours, Laurie