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Ask Laurie

Q: Hi Laurie,

Please feel free to be honest with your opinion. I dated a person for three years and we broke up last year for several reasons. I got tired of being his mother (cooking and cleaning and taking care of him). So, he moves out of state and I tell him I don't care to ever talk to him again.

Well, I haven't dated anyone since him, and I wrote him an email a month ago to see how he is. He says he misses me a lot and wants to see me. He is trying to get a ticket to fly and visit me. Do you think what I am feeling is just because I haven't had anyone in my life since him and I am lonely? I think I feel something for him, but how do I know it's going to work out this time? He seems a little more grown up. Am I being a stupid bitch again and letting loneliness rule my life? Thanks!

A: Dear His Mother,

Oh, no! You're like the character in the spooky movie who, after seeing the trail of blood, proceeds to venture into the dark and scary room all by herself. Audience members curl in on themselves and hold hands while screaming, "No, don't do it," or "Ohh, I can't believe she's...what an idiot." Others remain silent but close their eyes to the impending slaughter. Place "Psycho" shower scene music here because honey, you are going down!

"Please feel free to be honest with your opinion."
Thank you, I will.

People break up for a reason. Ten times out of ten, when they get back together that reason is still there. Hello, little reason! Oh sure, it may take a while for that reason to re-emerge, but, trust me, it always does. Would someone please embroider this on a hanky, silkscreen it on a t-shirt, make a bumper sticker out of it for god's sake--people forget so quickly!

"Do you think what I am feeling is just because I haven't had anyone in my life since him and I am lonely?"
And Bingo was his name-o. Three years is a long time to cook, clean and take care of someone. Now that Baby Hughy is gone there is a void and you probably have a lot of free time to fill. When we have a lot of free time we obsess and roll tape on unfinished business. And when we've exhausted ourselves with this emotional scrutiny and feel lonely and crummy on the kitchen floor we...email our exes!

"I think I feel something for him, but how do I know it's going to work out this time?"
This is a two-parter. Part one: I think I feel something for him. Okay now, this phrase makes me think of being "sort of pregnant". You spent three years with this guy and you THINK you may be having a feeling?
Scene: eye doctor's office
Eye Dr: Is the feeling better one or two?
His Mother: One.
Eye Dr.: One?
His Mother: Noooo, I THINK the feeling for him is better on two. Yes!
Eye Dr.: Okay, two.
His Mother: No, wait! Well, you see, on one the feeling was clearer but on two it was...ohhh, can I see them again?
Thinking you have feelings for a (lousy) ex when you're lonely is like having phantom pain from a cut-off limb: it's all in your head.

Oh, part two: "...how do I know it's going to work out this time?" Because you're going to avoid him like the plague :) As far as him seeming more grown up, don't you know everyone looks more grown up from afar? It's an optical illusion that has to do with vanishing-point perspective--let's leave it at that, hmm?

"Am I being a stupid bitch again and letting loneliness rule my life?"
Unfortunately, yes (minus the "stupid bitch" part). Sisterhood moment: honey, I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. It is completely understandable. Three years is a long time to spend with someone whether it was a good three years or not. These things take time to heal and by bringing this guy back in you're just picking off the scab; pick it off enough and it will leave an ugly scar.

The Short Answer: The next time you feel yourself missing your out-of-state slob why not get in touch by doing a load of dishes, maybe making the bed or vacuuming!--and be glad he's not there to mess up your life up over again.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie