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Ask Laurie
Q: Hi,
I hope you can help. I started seeing this guy from work back in December. We fell in love but he was in a 17-year relationship with girlfriend. He finished with her in January. I spent Christmas Eve, his birthday, my birthday with him. And moved in with me in June-he told her he was moving in with a friend. After one night, he got up and said he had to tell her. He told her he had been seeing me but didn't tell her my name or that I worked with him. I then got a text msg saying he still loved her. They went away for a week to Spain. After 6 days he started texting my friends to get my mobile number and finally I contacted him. He said he had been persuaded, against his better judgement, and did it through guilt. He said he missed me so much and felt sick at not seeing me. They finished again-she went mad. They sorted out a settlement as she never wanted to leave the house. She went away for a week and he text me saying he would never leave the house but then spent 2 days with me. He said he needed stability and when she was coming back he was crying and dreading her coming back. He has always said he loved me but felt so much guilt towards her. We carried on seeing each other as friends (no sex!) and he got more and more heavy about how much he loved me and had never stopped. He said he felt guilt and responsibility towards her and guilt, desire and responsibility towards me. He told her 3 weeks ago that he worked beside me and she said she would move out. She didn't.
I got made redundant 2 weeks ago and he was so sad, he said he knew he was at a crossroads and I said I was worried I would never see him (we did meet out of work as well). He said I would not get rid of him that easily and that he had not gone through all this heartache for nothing. He said he dreaded not seeing me. He said he thought about me all the time and would never stop loving me.
Up to 4 days ago he was still phoning then he withdrew as before when she was away and I got a text on Friday saying he couldn't see him leaving the house, thanks for a wonderful time, he would miss me and then another text 3 hours later when I didn't reply saying please don't hate him and sorry for taking so long.
I now found out he is on a week off so probably away with her. Just like the Spain trip all over again. I am so confused. Does he still love me? Does he want to be with me? He said he would never stop loving me but I don't know if it was all lies and just a fling that went wrong ie he fell in love? Will he ever get back in touch? He has tons of my stuff?
Regards,
Emma
10-5-04
A: Dear Emma,
First, to those of you who finished reading the entire question, congratulations-drinks are on me. I got through the first paragraph of the note, congratulated myself, took a nap and am now writing based on the limited information I was able to take in.
Emma, please take a step back and hear this without taking a hissy fit: the first paragraph reads like a cheesy romance novel. Two star-crossed lovers who can't be together because.they're too caught up in the I-love-you-then-run-away cha cha. It's so old; can somebody please write in with some new dance steps?
Q Highlights
".she went mad": How very Jane Austen!
"I got made redundant": I'm submitting that to The Donald as his new adios catch phrase.
".and I got a text on Friday": doesn't anyone actually talk anymore?
"Does he still love me?": I sure hope not.
".a fling that went wrong ie he fell in love?": I'd call that a fling that went right.
"He has tons of my stuff?": Now, she finally gets to the crux of the issue!
I sound like a broken record (to myself since you've never heard me before) but what's wrong with your self esteem/sense of self that you don't KNOW you deserve a man who can commit to you and not drag you through his past mud? After 17 freakin' years the guy can't make his mind up, runs to you, runs to Spain, runs to text message-Lord, a little Calgon please! It's all so exciting, I know (been there, done that) to have the love, suffer from losing the love and thrill at regaining the love but guess what? THAT AIN'T LOVE. That's obsession, infatuation, immaturity, abuse-call it what you will. True love, on the other hand, makes you a better person for it and if "you now" is better than "you prior" (to meeting this ball-less wonder) then the bar has reached a new low. Neither of you are better while engaging in these shhhhhhenanigans!
The short answer:
I could blast poetic for 172 more paragraphs (as you have) but there is beauty in brevity. My point is adequately nutshelled above. Pls re-read. And while you're at it buy my book! Sure it's self serving, but it's also well written, very funny, tells it like it is, offers hope, is supportive in a tough-love sort of way and "gets it". You sound like you could use all of the above: "It's not me, it's YOU!"-and can we not be friends (Laurie Frankel) available at B&N, Borders, Amazon.com and ZGallerie and Target (you've know you've hit the big time when!)-tell your friends.
Lovingly&logically yours,
Laurie
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