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Q: Dear Laurie,

About five weeks ago I had sex with a close friend's boyfriend while I was drunk. I don't like him and I felt really guilty. A week later he proposed to her. Then I slept with him again two weeks after they were engaged. Afterwards he wanted me to say that I loved him but I wouldn't because I don't. I told him how wrong I felt for being with him and he said that it was his fault, not mine. Now every time I see him he acts like he likes me and he always wants to look into my eyes. It's starting to really get to me. His fiance thinks I'm just the greatest person ever because she doesn't know a thing. She is also very obsessed with him. What should I do now?

Signed: Awful, slutty friend

A: Dear Awful, slutty friend,

Let me get this straight: you "slept with" your friend's fiance and felt bad about it so to undo the bad ju-ju you set in motion you applied the use of the double negative and slept with him again. Ohhhh, I don't get it.

I have to agree, as far as friends go, you are an awful one. I'm not sure if I would necessarily call you slutty if that makes you feel any better (I'd need to know how many other friends' boyfriends you were bagging). I also don't know what you were doing sleeping with a guy you supposedly don't like. Oh, yeah, you were drunk (an excellent excuse!) Shall I assume you were drunk the second time you slept with him too? Are you always drunk? Or are you too afraid to admit that, in a very weird way, you like being part of this love triangle? Thoughts for food...

So what's the problem here? Let me re-read. Oh, right, what you should do:

1. Stop fucking your friend's fiance.

2. In order to accomplish #1, I further suggest that you stop partying with/hanging around your friend's fiance. If you can't control yourselves in each other's company, then get out of each other's company. It's that simple.

3. Not that you asked me but do NOT tell your supposed girlfriend about what's gone/going on. I'm sure, on some unconscious level, she has a clue that all is not right in the house of love. The obsessed heart has a miraculous way of cajoling the sensible head to go on holiday and hers is far off on the remote island of Truc. You, my dear, have DONE quite enough already. It is not your job to rip her out of fantasyland. This multi-tasking, narcissistic buffoon that you keep boinking will blow the whole thing all by himself--on that you can rely.

4. See #1.

I have to go back to a point touched on earlier in paragraph one and that is: while you know you are behaving inappropriately you continue to do so. What a conundrum. Is the devil making you do it? People do things--inappropriately or otherwise--because it benefits them. I won't even begin to conjecture about the mind-fuck buffoon's motivation but would like to know what you're getting out of this. Let's see: you don't have a boyfriend and your "close friend" does. Hmm. Perhaps we're feeling a little attention deprived and maybe, just a tad, wee bit, jealous of our good friend who does. Perhaps? Yes?

Yes. Those are very basic human emotions to have, BUT it's not very nice to act on those feelings in the way you have CHOSEN to. Yes, as easier as it may be to pretend you've fallen, without will, head long into this whirling vortex of deceit and indiscretion, truth be told you DECIDED to. Woe is toi.

The Short Answer: Are you a horrible person? No. Does your behavior leave something to be desired? Yes. So get behaving. Stop wasting your time booty-callin' your friend's booty and go out and find some of your very own. And then, when you do, maybe your good friend will write in about how bad she feels having sex with YOUR fiance... :)

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie