Back | Forward

Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie, I was out on a date with a guy. It was a first date. We were walking back to the car from dinner and it was a little chilly so he gave me his jacket to wear which I thought was very nice. Well, when we got back to the car he held out his hand for the keys which were in his jacket which I was wearing. Okay, so I reach in and pull out a big bundle of keys and then something else comes out with them: a condom! It falls onto the sidewalk right at our feet. We both just sort of stare at it hoping it'll go away. I ended up mumbling something about how how cold it was for the middle of the summer and kicked it into the street as I got in the car. What would you have done?

Signed: Helen of Trojan

A: Dear HoT:

So there you are, driving home, talking about the weather while each of your giant thought bubbles are crowding the two of you out of the car:

Helen: Gee, Wally, I can't believe how chilly it is for July.

Helen thought bubble: He brought a condom. A brand new, shiny condom. Was it for me? I wasn't even sure I wanted to kiss him good-night.

Wally: Yeah, chilly, heh...

Wally's thought bubble: I hope she didn't think that was for her.

Helen: And in July!

Helen thought bubble: What if it wasn't for me?

Wally: July!

Wally's thought bubble: What if she did think it was for her!?

And so on and so forth, etc. etc...

I give Helen two thumbs up for tact. Very suave doing the "condom shuffle" I think it's called. Saving that guy a lot of face. You're a better gal than I Miss Trojan. I mean how often in your life do you get the opportunity to watch someone dance--DANCE I say!--their way out of an incredibly embarrassing situation? If you're me you get that opportunity twice in your life. You heard me right: TWICE I've had guys flip condoms out of their pockets while on a first date. Once while paying for drinks at a bar: "Oh, you dropped something," I say as I bend over to pick it up. "Oh...never mind," I yell from down near the floor. "It was just your CONDOM!!" And the other time, well you don't want to know.

In Helen's situation, where the two of you see the little orphan lying all shy-like on the sidewalk I think I would've just stood there and watched it, like a movie. Occasionally I would look up at "him" and then look back down at "it". Him. It. Him. It. Till one of you cries: "Uncle" whereupon the other is crowned the victor. If both parties are in agreement, you can start the game all over with the loser re-enacting the initial scene, i.e. casually flicking the condom onto a NEW spot on the sidewalk...

Another tact would be to immediately pick up the condom and, as you open it up, say something like, "Oh, boy, a condom! For me? Oh, Wally, you shouldn't have. You just shouldn't have. Really, really, you shouldn't have. But thank you. Oh, thank you. I'll cherish it forever." Then, after placing it on your ring finger, give him a kiss on the cheek as you admire your new found jewel under the light of the street lamp.

The Short Answer: Ah, guys will be guys I suppose, always at the ready, manning the helm, being all they can be. You've got to admire that I suppose--so ready, so willing, so gosh darn able. And, in this day and age (as my mother says): Safety First! Yeah, got to give him credit for covering that angle. But, you know, there's also a side of me, as liberal as I am, that wants to know where this guy's sense of relationship is. I mean is it really too much to ask that you get to know someone before doing the horizontal bach, that maybe you have two or three (possibly four!) dates before getting "funky in the house of love", that you actually know you'll see a person again before engaging in a little two-backed beasting? Is that really too much? I ask you.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie