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Q: Dear Laurie:

I am karishma and am only 12 yrs old.although i am 12 i am very fast with life-there was a pint of time where i used to smoke, drink and dope.presently i am going out with a boy who is 15yrs old and seems to be very serious about me.we have reached to such an extent that we want to marry each other.on his birthday my mom caught the cards and all the stuff i was giving him and has grounded me for 3 months.she is telling me to leave him.i can not talk to him for long and he seems very unsatisfied with me.what do i do to get him in my mothers good books? my problem is that my mother is very orthodox.

karishma

A: Karishma? Hello? Are you listening to me madly type away here for your benefit? You're damn right: You are "ONLY 12 years old!" I didn't even know what a 15-year-old was when I was 12 let alone think about, if only for a pint of time (I like that), about marrying one. Marriage--at 12! HA! Yes, "ha," I say to you and all of you out there!

First of all, who in the hell thought I'd be answering love questions for 12-year-olds and, second of all, who in the hell thought I'd be answering love questions for 12-year-olds...I've gotten other Qs from a variety of under-age lovers so let's devote this week's enlightening answer to all of you out there who have yet to see over the driver's-side steering wheel, shall we?

Okay, so sue me if I sound like an old fart but if I'm cool (or is it stupid) enough to be writing this column OR if you think I'm cool enough to be submitting questions to then I can answer you any which way I please. More importantly, I can answer you as I see fit.

Karishma, please calculate along with me: You are 12 and are already "very fast with life"?!?!?! If you're lucky you have 6 or 7 more sets of 12 to go--what is your goddamn hurry? Here's my theory: People, even 12-year-old people, try to keep up with the Joneses (in your case be"fast with life") when they haven't a clue what it means to be themselves; when they are uncomfortable in their own skin. You emulate (or copy) others to be "in" because you aren't sure what you should be doing with your own unique bad self. Is this normal for people entering adolescence? Yes. Should you be entirely stupid and ridiculous due to the pubescent time warp you are in? No.

LoveLogic Laurie has a feeling a little more is going on at home with orthodox mom than you have shared with the viewing audience. Do you have an older mentor-type person you can talk to face-to-face about your 12 years o' woes? Because your doobie (do they call it that anymore; how about weed or toke...) and bottle ain't that good at listening and this 15-year old guy, "that seems very unsatisfied"--oh, like we care--my guess would be that his aural skills also leave something to be desired.

The short answer: You ask--"what do i do to get him in my mothers good books?" Forget about him (putz wad) AND your mother's books and work on being a kid (I mean adolescent)--because like it or not that's what you are right now. Do adolescent things: jump for joy, pass notes, whisper, giggle, and occasionally play spin the bottle (only don't tell ortho-mom.) And, Karishma, remember to do this all very slowly because girlfriend, you got a lot of pints of time ahead of you.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie