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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie, I'm finally 18 and my boyfriend already wants to have sex. So, for his birthday I did it with him. It was really great. But now he is in Panama with his mom. His dad stayed home. I went over to give a present to my boyfriend as a surprise. His dad was really nice about it. We talked a little bit and then he kissed me. It seemed friendly but we started to make out and then had sex. Should I tell my boyfriend?

A: Dear Ho Cake with No Cherry on Top,

Well, Happy Birthday to Dad too, I guess! You're like the Easter Bunny hopping along, doling out goodies from your "basket" to everyone, huh? Well...STOP IT! You're giving me the big-time willies.

Gee, should you tell your boyfriend? Hmm. Ohh, this is a toughie. You can't see me, but I am standing on one foot and then the other. Now, I'm back to the first foot. Never have I been so indecisive, so stumped, so unsure of what to do...Sure, go ahead. Tell your boyfriend. Yeah, why not? And while you're at get his mom on the phone and tell her too. Tell her that making love to both her husband and her son is your way of expressing how much you admire the men in her life. Why by banging both her boys (are there others?) you are honoring her as a wife (you "like" her choice in a mate) and as a mother (you "like" the son she produced)! She'll be so pleased!

Can you put the glue bottle down for one second so we can talk sense here? I mean I HOPE you're on SOME sort of hallucinogen to account for your non-existent judgment. I pray to god you are either permanently drunk or strung out on heroin (it's not just for junkies anymore you know) to explain your behavior. He-fucking-llo, you know what I mean?

Just to set the record straight, I was kidding earlier and my final-Regis-answer is: Don't tell your boyfriend nothing (which is a double negative, I know)! No way, no how. And stop kissing, having sex with, and even seeing his father! Geez. With all this activity, I have a hard time believing you're a newly minted non-virgin, the first-time sex being "really great" and all, but stranger things have happened I guess. Yeah, stranger maybe but not grosser. I think you've cornered the top 10 market on that one.

The Short Answer: Get yourself some self respect and a dollop of self-esteem. A woman who cares about/loves herself doesn't do this sort of thing. It's degrading. Why would you want to sleep with a man your father's age? And if you were compelled to sleep with an older man why did it have to be your BOYFRIEND'S father? That's plain mean. Ick-a-bick-a-bottle-of-dick as myself always says... I know I tend to go for the psychological jugular when it comes to these bizarro scenarios so we'll leave it at that for now. Sit your 18-year-old self down and have a moment of silent reflection. Then make a pact to button your lip(s).

(not so) Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie