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Q: This guy and I were off to a night of fun when he picked me up in his crappy excuse for a car one night. He had just finished playing soccer and he smelled like god-awful sweaty cock! Now I didn't let it bother me too much since we were off to his house so he could shower before we went out. So I'm sitting there...minding my own business, watching TV, when he comes in in a towel. Cock boy didn't have a good figure just to inform you. So, he's trying to stretch and show off his jiggly man-boobs as I'm shivering in pure disgust. So he goes off, gets dressed and decides he wants to eat ravioli with meat sauce. Damn...let me tell you, that boy's breath smelled worse then a dead rat baking in the hot road. Then he tried to make out with me and play a lil' hokey pokey all night. So while he was trying to get his game on and in between his multiple boners, he kept pointing out what he called a "rash" whenever he noticed me staring at his arms. He had many (actually a lot) of little self-made hickies all over his arms. Can we say: Horney LOSER!!!!!!!!
Now this guy won't stop calling and trying to hang out with me. I had to block my number, it's so bad. He goes to all the local hang-outs, is kool w/ people I know, and is so hard to avoid. What do I do to keep this fart out of my life?
Signed: Girl who can't understand men!!!!
A: People often wonder how I choose the questions I answer. Well, this one made me laugh and that's always a plus. After you get over the dry heaves I hope you laugh too. The most amazing aspect of this note is the pure, utter and sheer disgust with which this girl views her date AND YET, by question's end, they are playing "a lil' hokey pokey all night." (I know I took that snippet a teeny bit out of context but live with it.) Regardless WHAT they were doing, after that description, why would they be doing it ALL NIGHT?
After an exhaustive analysis of the facts I ended up with this list:
| Description |
|
Score |
| 1. crappy excuse for a car |
|
-5 |
| 2. smelled like god-awful sweaty cock |
|
-3 (was on the fence but "god-awful" swayed me) |
| 3. jiggly man-boobs |
|
-4 (redundant use of the word "jiggly": -2 pts) |
| 4. shivering in pure disgust |
|
-0 (plus for "pure"; minus for "disgust") |
| 5. a "rash" |
|
-3 (should rash move to private parts add 10 pts) |
| 6. self-made hickies |
|
-2 ("self-made" shows ingenuity, +2 pts) |
I'm going to leave you to do the math. After compiling the above list I fed "his multiple boners" into the computer for further analysis upon which the computer started shaking, emitted a blue mist from the CD ROM drive and exploded. POOF! Just like that. Incompatible data (that's plural for people who date and shouldn't be).
"What do I do to keep this fart out of my life?" I¹m thinking girlfriend likes "farts" which is why she not only dated one but damn near slept with one too. Why in the world wouldn't this guy call and call again? He got what he wanted with very little effort so he figures he¹ll try for more. And why the hell not? You're a guy's dream come true--if only you were three feet tall and came with a flat head...What is it about men don¹t you understand?
The Short Answer: May I make a suggestion? The next time you find yourself shivering from pure disgust do me and yourself a favor: leave. Evacuate the premises. Vamoose. Get the hell out of god-awful Dodge. That shivering sensation is your primordial, self-preservation system trying to kick in only you have taken Herculean efforts to thwart it. You know how when you rest your hand on a burning stove and your nerve endings, after .003 nanosecsonds, tell you to say, "Ow!"? Same idea. Don't override the system. Leave that to the "professionals" who at least get some money for their troubles.
Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie
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