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Ask Laurie

Intro: As you can see from the Abstract title this is the third in an ongoing, possibly never-ending, series of LoveLogic columns called "Show 'n Tell". It used to be called "Show AND Tell" but I've since gotten hip-to-da-trip--I recently deciphered a line from the Na na na na na song: "get-jiggy-wit-it"--so it seems there's not much to hold me back now.

Before I get started I usually like to share a little something from my personal life or from someone else's personal life and either adopt it as my own if it's really cool or make fun of it if it's not. But since there's nothing pressing for me to share, let's get on with it, shall we?

Q#1: Hi Laurie, I'm 16 and going out on my first date. Problem is: I don't know how to kiss. Any advice?

Signed: From a girl

A#1: I distinctly remember being in the ninth and tenth (and eleventh) grade and worrying about not knowing how to kiss. And I distinctly remember this girl Thalia, this short, ugly girl named Thalia who was a year older than me, giving me lessons on how to kiss. The details, as fascinating as they may be, are not important. What is of interest and is a phenomenon that still goes on in schools today is that Thalia had the dumb luck of being friends with the cool crowd so, along the lines of the fable "The Emperor's New Clothes", Thalia, by association, was considered cool and attractive too (even though she wasn't.) Believe me when I tell you: she wasn't. Bottomline: Thalia was a troll. Nonetheless, Thalia-the-Troll was one of my earliest kissing teachers and here is what she said: Practice on a pillow. Wrap your arms around the pillow in an onscreen embrace and push your face into the pillow as if...as if what? If you knew what you were "as if'ing" you wouldn't be hugging a pillow. Well, I told you Thalia was a troll considered cute by transitive properties so why did you think she'd dish up any good advice????? Stay on your toes people!!

Kissing pointers from a non-troll (that'd be me):

1. Relax. You won't be able to but try. It will be awkward, but if the two of you have fun on the date and the kiss is less than Martha-Stewart perfect you'll still get asked out again.

2. Go slowly. When you see him leaning towards you coming in for the kill, when you feel your eyes beginning to cross as you watch his head come in for a landing, wait a beat so you don't have two 747 nose jets colliding on the lip runway.

3. Keep your mouth closed at first. Don't be the cave that ate New York. It's too sloppy for starters and way too eager-beaverish. Let him make the tongue move first. The unfortunate thing is he'll probably be fairly inexperienced too I'm afraid. Before you know it you may be feeling like you're drinking from a spittoon or just had the entire lower half of your face detailed with saliva cleanser and a tongue rag. Just remember you're paying your dues. And if you don't like it, don't do it. It's perfectly fine to say, "Please sir, may I NOT have another?"

4. There is no 4. Happy kissing.

Q#2: I sweat a lot! So I hate being around guys! I am too embarrassed! What should I do?

Signed: From a girl

A#2: Your name's not Ann Jolly by any chance, is it? We had one of you in my seventh grade class. And her name was Ann Jolly. She had horrible acne, sweat like a pig, smelled bad, and was very smart. She got picked on quite a bit. I felt sorry for her and wished I had the guts and ability to hold my nose long enough to befriend her. I never harassed her because a) I had a heart and b) I was too busy maintaining my not-a-loser/not-a-winner status. I was neither part of the "in" nor "out" crowd. I was just there. A late bloomer who is now more than compensating with latent fabulousness. Anyway, I¹m sure Ann is a millionaire CEO of a .com company today and can afford to shower several times day.

And now for some more practical advice. I went to a variety of search engines and typed in "Ann Jolly" I mean "excessive sweating" and got the following. "Idiopathic hyperhidrosis" is the medical term for excessive sweating which becomes noticeable after puberty. According to this one article I found "most over-the-counter antiperspirants do not control hyperhidrosis...The best control method is 20% aluminum chloride hexahydrate alcoholic solution (Drysol)" which is available by prescription. The full treatment article can be found at: http://www.capederm.com/info_hyperhidrosis.htm and, as always, I am responsible for nothing.

Q#3: How do you have sex?

Signed: From a guy

A#3: To quote Devo, "you put the pole in the hole". I forget which album that's off of but man, there it is. So succinct. The essence of sex itself. My runner up song answer was The Hokey Pokey. I always thought there was a strong (too strong?) similarity between Hokey Pokey and Hanky Panky, an eerie similarity along the lines of the "twins" in Disney's 1960-something movie The Parent Trap where "twin" A is played by Haley Mills and "twin" B is played by...Haley Mills. Hey, wait a Mickey-Mouse minute! Ohhhh...I get it--psst, they did the same thing with The Patty Duke Show but there they were cousins, not twins, which made the whole thing even weirder.

So, where was I? Hokey Pokey, right--my runner up sex song. Sing along with me, won't you: "You put your right FOOT (wink, win, nod, nod) in. You put your foot out. You put your right foot in and you shake it all about (this "shaking" part is key Mr. How-Do-You-Have-Sex Question Asker). Then you do the "Hokey Pokey" and you turn yourself around. THAT'S what it's all about." I don¹t have a third runner up song because I can't imagine another song existing that could add more clarity to this situation than the Devo/Hokey Pokey combo on rye.

The Short Answer: Oy, I guess I have to make a serious attempt to answer this last one, huh? How do you have sex? Sheesh, I'm meeting some friends out soon so let's make it snappy: Find a willing partner; wine her/dine her; kiss her; wine her/dine her, kiss her and feel her breasts; wine her; kiss her, feel her breasts and go down below Cap¹n; cook her dinner, rent a movie; feel her breasts and go down below Cap'n (lather, rinse, repeat); order take-out; feel her breasts and go down below Cap'n, get naked and stay over; wine her, dine her; kiss her, feel her breasts and go down below Cap'n, get naked, and do the hokey pokey. That's what it's all about!

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie