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Q: Dear Laurie,

Some advice please?! There's this guy, who will remain nameless, that I am absolutely obsessed with. Met him about a year ago at the gym. Abs to die for. The butt of a god. We had a fling and then nothing. He never called me up; we never went out on a proper date. He's a republican, male chauvinist, not-my-type, bald stud and still...I pine every time I see him pumping those free weights. Help!

Signed:Horny for Him

A: Dear Horn Doggie Dog:

When it comes to "absolute obsession" there are no easy answers even from the Queen of Logic herself (that'd be me).Unless you have a Matrix-type portal in the back o' your head for some de-obsessing software I'd say, for the time being, you're screwed.

Obsessions are hard to kick because you can control your actions all you like but your thoughts--good luck! Just TRY not thinking about him right NOW. And now. And now again. See what I mean?

So, he's got good abs and a solid butt--give him a drunken booty call for god's sake and be done with it! Oh, you already have. Sounds like it was well worth it because there you are meowing for more. But guess what? At this point a second booty call is out of the question. Know why? Because you care! You want more from Baldy than Baldy wants, for whatever reason, to give. And therein lies the kicker Snoop Horny Dog. In matters of casual relationships everything gets funky when we care :(

May I venture to guess that there are no other godlike ab-and-butt men constellating in your universe at the moment? It is my not-so-private belief that we women elevate garden variety men to Miracle Gro prize-winning status when there are no other cucumbers in the field if you will. The fact that you see him regularly at the gym doesn't help matters either. Constant in-the-flesh reminders perpetuate this drama-for-one like there's no tomorrow.

My advice to you is: NO MORE CONTACT. Period. Exclamation point! That's right, no more cross-legged chit chatting at the ice machine, late-night beer-goggle ring-a-ling-a-linging, or fill-in-the-fantasy scenario while taking a spinning class. If you're e-mailing the Republican, quit it. If the Republican is e-mailing you stop replying (I'd suggest you stop reading them too but if you could do that we wouldn't be in this predicament to begin with now would we?)

When you find yourself thinking about him, his Mr. Clean washboard stomach, and how much fun doing laundry with him might be...STOP! In the name of unhealthy, time-wasting, self-abusing obsessions, "Stop, in the name of no love, stop," I say. I don't care what new thought you put in its place but pick one and go with it. Little by little and over time you'll find this doesn't work at all in terms of reducing your obsession but it'll make you aware of how much time you're wasting and hopefully drive you crazy enough to move on.

The Not-so-Short Answer: You can never have enough of what you don't want. It takes me days to understand this one, but when I do I feel very wise. After feeling wise I soon forget what I was wise to and struggle, in vain, to re-understand. I'll save you the mental twirlsies and figure it for you: Horny doesn't want Butt God. I'm not sure what she wants but Butt God it ain't. He's one helluva a good distraction in the meantime till she figures it out.

In fact, as long as Horn Horny Horn allows herself to remain incredibly distracted with Butt she'll never have to figure anything out or, MORE IMPORTANTLY, she'll never have to deal with the real issues of being with a real man in a real relationship. She can just focus on feeling sad about Butt and distract herself from her fears of engaging in the real male/female world. It's a scary world out there but it's better to be in it (paraphrase Winona Ryder's character Susanna in "Girl, I wish this movie would get Interrupted").

Of course, if all else fails see "A Clockwork Orange" and proceed as directed...

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie