Back | Forward

Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how I might get my wife to swallow. She has done it a few times and I really enjoy it, unfortunately she doesn't. The closest I am getting now is cumming in a condom while it is in her mouth and it just isn't the same.

Signed:Wondering

A: Dear Wondering:

I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the sex questions that come flying in from MARRIED people. Shouldn't you have these sorts o' sexual details worked out BEFORE you trip down the aisle? If I were a guy and I jammed on oral sex I would make sure my sweetie pot pie jammed on it too. And vice versa too. Or I'd work out some sort of "pay-for-service" solution (outlined below) but I would do ALL of this negotiating prior to agreeing to the "till death do us part without blowjobs" thing. Sheesh! I had a friend back in Chicago who's boyfriend LIVED for BJs and wouldn't, would not, go down on her. As far as I'm concerned that's no boyfriend.that's an EX!

So, your wife won't swallow. The swallow/not swallow thing is a dilemma because you (the guy) are feeling all sexy and intimate with your mate-ress. Getting hot and bothered by her presence in the netherlands and, just when you're about to hit nirvana, she detours to file her nails. Oh! That's gotta hurt a guy. I feel strongly that if you're the first round draft pick for the BlowJobs you've got to be a committed team player which means hanging in there, win or lose, for the duration! Try backing off on HER home run at third, or even second, base--see how she likes it!

But I am supposed to be promoting relational bliss (I think) and not fueling pre-school games of sandbox tit-for-tat. A moment for counterpoint if I may? Swallowing is gag-acious. It's gag-a-lag-a-ding-DONG. Sometimes it's downright ga-ga-ga-I-SPIT. Because it's warm and rushes at you with a life of its own. Just when you half expect it it bubbles up from god-knows-where tasting just left-of-spoiled cottage cheese with a slight top note of ammonia. That's right, in my mouth I think: ammonia. EVEN SO--you know what I say to all those uvula-freakin', zipper-lipped, throat-clenching, wives (and girlfriends) out there? I say: SUCK IT UP! Because if you can't lick the big dogs (till completion), stay on the porch!

May I make some suggestions: Guys: How's about the next time you squeeze the living daylights out of your manhood try tasting a bit o' your own spooge (spuge?) Yes, taste it. Know what sacrifices you're asking of your great love. Nothing filling--a small measure along the lines of a Baskin Robbin's can-I-taste-that-flavor spoonful perhaps.

And for the ladies how about something curiously strong(er). The next time you want your lady friend to head south slip her a.mint. A mint, yes; I'm not joking. I had a guy do that for me once and it made the whole experience quite pleasant. And fun. And lighthearted. And incredibly palatable. For real! Maybe chocolate or icing, possibly watermelon or Grand Marnier would also do the trick. The point is, it's your private Idaho sex life limited only by your imagination and the willingness of your partner. Make it lively or serious, sexy or simple. Make it whatever you want but make it together and be creative.

My last-ditch-effort suggestion is to meet each other half way by.spitting. A little less romantic but serves the purpose. Would you settle for that Wondering?

The Short Answer: I'm sorry Wife-of-"Wondering", but no husband should be ".cumming in a condom while it is in your mouth." They just shouldn't. It's so sterile. So goddamn prim. Much too reminiscent of the fourth grade cootie-shot. Get over yourself you nun. I'm assuming you like him going down on you (and don't even tell me if you don't). And, if you've ever tasted your own internal nectar of love (which, of course, I recommend you should) you'd know that you don't taste so fine neither! Time to take off your habit, quit your "hail marying", and swallow, swallow, swallow! Stop focusing on yourself and get off on the fact that you are turning on your man--yeah!

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie