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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

I'm 16 and I'm still a virgin. I want to have sex, but all these questions run through my head. How will it be? Will I catch something? Will I get pregnant? Will it hurt? So should I just wait, or should I just go ahead and do it?

Signed: Anxious

A: Dear Anxious:

"Like a virgin. Oo! Touched for the very first time. Like a virrrrrrrrrrrgin." Well, you're not LIKE a virgin--by golly, you are one. The Real McCoy. Almost a relic. Why the last time I saw one of those. Please!

You're 16--probably have only been wearing a bra for two years maybe three (if you're lucky). Do you even have your license (to drive, not wear a bra)? I think girls should have puberty firmly under their belts before they take the sex plunge which would put you around 18 or 19 before you partake of the all-you-can-eat sausage fest buffet for $9.99.

This is all a not-so-thinly veiled attempt to come right out and say that, "Sixteen is way too fucking young to be having goddamn sex young lady!" especially if you're so unsure/scared of it (which you are and should be at your age by the way).

Having said that I am happy to answer all of your questions:

#1: "How will it be?" It'll suck. You're scared. You often get your cherry broken (that's hymen for you techies out there) which means you bleed all over your nice clean sheets (or the back of a random car). You certainly won't have an orgasm unless you're related to the Amazon Sex Clan of Women from the Moon. When it's over, you silently ask yourself: "Is that it?" and wonder why you skipped going to the movies with your friends.

First-time sex is all about getting through the experience so you can tell your uninitiated girlfriends that you "did it". The eager looks on said friends' faces will quickly have you lying through your teeth about the whole god-awful experience. Some girlfriends you'll tell will have already done it and the two of you will smile knowingly at each other--knowing that it sucked for both of you and that you're both pretending it didn't. Sex doesn't get good (I'm talking really good) until you're in your 30s so buckle up and sit tight for safety sister!

When I lost my virginity I called my then best college friend, Ellen, from California the morning after (please note the use of the word "college" in conjunction with the losing of the "virginity".). She had already lost hers the summer before to Kamalthi while leaning against a fence so I felt like I had some catching up to do (which is a silly reason to "do it" but pretty much why we all do it in the first place anyway.) I think circus kaliope music would best sum up the evening's events for me--a veritable blur of clothing articles flying and body parts flashing by.

From the sound of your note it seems like you might be missing one crucial element: a partner with whom you will toss your burdensome virginity. Don't forget, to have intercourse a partner is key. A loving partner is even better. But, for the first time, let's not get too carried away. If you don't currently have a boyfriend that isn't to say you won't be able to find an infinite number of boys who would willingly oblige an eager virgin like yourself . Last I checked in the section: "Girls in Search of Boys to Deflower" the listings had to be archived on CD-ROM... #2: "Will I catch something?" If you are "fast" enough you can catch all sorts of things. Use a condom girl! You know, those plastic packages that burn a hole in every teenage guys' back pocket. The ones they gave you bananas to practice with in sex ed. class. Maybe that was just my sex ed.--or my fantasy of it. Oh, and don't go sleeping with every Tom, Dick, or Harry (especially Dick) because then your bingo odds go way up.

#3: "Will I get pregnant?" This question scares me as it doesn't seem "we" (royal) quite get how the whole process works. If you don't use any birth control (condom!) there's a great chance you'll get pregnant. Do you have parents? Can you talk to them? Stupid question? How about a school counselor or teacher you like? I know, more stupid questions. At least you're talking to me (which you'd think would be enough incentive to get all those other people talking to you instead.)

In a nutshell, you can get pregnant any time during your period but you are most fertile smack dab in the middle of it. Have you had your period yet? Have you read "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" or "Deenie" or Forever"? If you've answered "no" to any of the last four questions then you for sure aren't ready for sex. Back in the 70s no self-respecting girl would've even considered heavy petting let alone having sex without first consulting Judy Blume! Kids these days.

#4: "Will it hurt?" Not if you're really drunk. Oh but I digress. Yes, it will hurt some. See question #1: "How will it be?"

#5: "So should I just wait, or should I just go ahead and do it?" Wait! Wait. I think you should wait. Did you get that I think you might want to shelve this idea for a while? In the name of you-don't-know-what-the-hell-you're-thinking-or-feeling about all this, again, I say "Whoa, sister!"

The Short Answer: Sex is physically intimate. You take all your clothes off and roll around together which can be really cool if you're with the right person and an absolute disaster if you're not. It's important that your first experience to be a positive one! Not being ready--feeling ANXIOUS--is a sure fire way to capsize your maiden voyage. Think about it some more. Try talking it over with a close friend or two. Find yourself a good guy. When you're really ready you won't have to ask anyone but yourself. Don't give in to peer pressure--it's so 80s.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie