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Ask Laurie

Intro: If you're a loyal Laurie's LoveLogic reader you know (but may not care) that I occasionally break ranks with the typical Q&A format. It usually happens when I'm feeling a little.crazy. Like today. Feeling crazy--bought TWO brand new dog leashes (and I only have ONE dog!)

So, I've been getting a lot of one-liner Qs these days. And I think, what do these people take me for: Laurie's LoveSwami? The confidante of Nancy Reagan? A reincarnation o' Dionne Warwick? (I say a little prayer for.her) Maybe in this kaleidoscope world of Me.com and MoreAboutMe.com people have A) too little time to formulate two-or-more line questions and B) an odd willingness to pour blind belief into the nearest opinion-spouting vessel. In this case, that vessel would be me. And I am happy to spout.

So, without further ado, on with this week's version of: Laurie's Magic 8-ball Show!

Q#1: (part 1)--Will 25 year-old female live with 31 year-old female lover? (part 2)--Ever?
A#1: part 1--"Outlook not so good." part 2--"Outlook good." That's the beauty of the Magic 8-ball. If you don't like what you shake up the first time--drop kick it across the room and ask your question again in a slightly revised format (for those more refined folk out there let the ball accidentally slip from your fingers and roll across the floor before retrieving it).

Q#2: Will I ever get to walk down a winding staircase in a ballroom gown to find Brad Pitt in a tuxedo at the bottom?
A#2: "It is decidedly so." Rent "Meet Joe Black" (he wears a tux in that one doesn't he?) or the one where he and co-stars fish and brawl a lot. Put on ballroom gown. Access winding staircase. Place VCR at end of it. Turn on VCR. Walk down staircase.

Q#3: Why do guys cheat on women?
A#3: This is a tough one for M8B because the question was posed incorrectly (not in the form of a "yes" or "no" question-a Jeopardy contestant in the making she is not). Let me aid in the reformatting: "Do guys cheat on women because they're insecure loser pin dicks?" "It is certain."

Q#4: I hate sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why???????????????
A#4: Again, improper formatting restricts the sage capabilities of the M8B. "I hate sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it because, as Adam and Dr. Drew would say, I was sexually abused as a child?" "Reply hazy. Try again later."

Q#5: I have a girlfriend that just moved to AZ. She says she will never get over me. Is this true?
A#5: "Get over yourself." Okay, so the 8-ball would never really say this but neither would a girl moving to AZ unless she'd seen too many made-for-TV movies.

Q#6: Why do dicks get so small when you get old? (I do NOT make these questions up. Although you may strongly think otherwise I have better things to do.)
A#6: The 8-ball is out of answers but lucky for all of you I'm not. To level the playing field and keep everyone honest, dicks get smaller in inverse proportion to a man's income and number of times he's cheated on a woman (see Q#4).

The Short Answer: Another bittersweet ending approaches for this week's LLL readers. And hey, re: the way to San Jose...don't ask.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie

Please note that the opinion of the Magic 8-Ball is not necessarily that Laurie's LoveLogic. She just types the answers. Any advice given by the Magic 8-Ball via LLL should be thrown out I mean taken at your own risk!