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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years. With a promise (from him) to be married some day. Lives with his mom. I have my own home. Oh yeah, he's 38 years old. Any hope of this ever happening?

Signed: Mama's boy lover in waiting

A: Dear Boy Lover, Because that's what you are--you are the lover of a boy who, for whatever reason, has not, at the advanced age o' 38, grown into a man. Will he ever? Who knows!? Better question? Who cares?!

For bizarro psychological reasons (that I can only guess at) this guy has never wanted, and thanks to mom and mom jr. (you), never needed to grow up and be an adult/do adult things. With co-dependents like you two around why in the world should he? Who wouldn't want to remain in a permanent state of irresponsibility? Well, most of us I suppose but my point is, any latent gumption that Mamma's Boy ever had in his reservoirs curled up and died a good long while ago.

So, he's promised to marry you "some day"?! That's a rich one. He can go so far as to make the promise BECAUSE he gets to qualify it with "some day". He can't even say "June of 2010" when he'll be approaching the ripe old age of 48. No siree he gets to keep his anxieties at bay by saying "some day". And you have accepted that!

I could be wrong (but rarely am)--one thing we know for sure, this guy certainly ain't evolving any time soon. Still living with mom, kept you on a string for 10 years (wow), and is approaching 40!! In fact, this guy may even be de-volving. If you catch him sucking his thumb, shoot me an e-mail.

Time to turn the spotlight on you, Lover-in-Waiting. I know this sounds harsh but what's the matter with you that you have hung onto to half a man for close to half your life? You obviously don't think you deserve to have better. Give me one good reason why you don't deserve a guy that can commit to you and offer his hand in marriage in real time? One little reason.I'm waiting. Well, when you come up with it add it to the bottom of that "thumb-sucking e-mail" you're going to send me, hmm?

"Any hope of this ever happening?" Well, it seems we've sort of covered this but I like to be thorough in my responses. According to Marketing 101: past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. People can change if THEY want to (and not because other people want them too--baaad motivation). From your short sweet note it seems the only persons that may want changing would be you and maybe his momma but I think she likes her baby boy by her side otherwise she would've heave-hoed him ages ago--momma's are supposed to do that, you know.

Hope springs eternal so of course there's hope of his coming around but I have to ask you why would you want him to? Why, instead may I ask, aren't you running for the goddamned mother fuckin' far away hills? Ever thought that maybe you're afraid of commitment and have purposefully (albeit unconsciously) chosen a "lover" that is unavailable? What are you getting out of waiting around or, more to the point, what are you getting out of being a mother to your lover? Ick, I'm starting to creep myself out.

The Short Answer: Assuming you're going to hang around for another decade here's my suggestion. Give Mama's Boy an ultimatum. They work sometimes but you've got to mean it. If you give an ultimatum you've got to be prepared to walk or don't even bother. If you really still want this boy-man make him set a date, pick a place to have the ceremony, and make him put down a non-refundable cash deposit (if he has any money that is). Yeah, he can still back out but it makes the initial commitment that much more real and palpable. Chances are he'll manage to rationalize his way out of the whole thing but maybe he'll renew my faith in humanity and rise to the occasion. I wish you luck. Oh, Happy Valentine's Day.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie