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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

Hi!--My boyfriend and I are not having sex until we get married; that's fine with me--no problem. But here's the thing, I enjoy performing oral sex on him, but he has never once returned the favor. I'm really pissed--in over 2 years, I've only had one orgasm. I love him, and I know that I never want to be with anyone else, so I can't dump him, and he is an otherwise great lover, but this problem still plagues me. Another thing, which is even worse: we came very close to having sex the other week. As I said before, this is something that neither of us want to happen. I told him that I felt uncomfortable, and he understands that, but now he feels like he can't control himself, and he barely even touches me. He kisses me and holds me with amazing tenderness, and I love that, but I don't know how long I can keep being supportive of him. I mean, cooling off for a little while is fine, but how long am I supposed to wait to at least get a breast touched here or there? I love my boyfriend, I just need to make him come around... THANKS!!! :)

Signed: Loving but frustrated

A: Someone PLEASE explain to me the wisdom behind the "everything but" rule? Granted, this is my bias and I own it but I don't get it: two adults, who are engaged to be married, won't put the pole-in-the-hole but will put the pole-in-the-mouth!?!?!?! And the reasoning behind this would be????

"Well, Laurie," I say to myself, "there's the issue of pregnancy here." "Well, Laurie," I say back, "yes that's true, but from this woman's note I don't get the feeling that that's the real issue here." And if it were, well, they can use a condom or get HIV tested and use other forms of contraception. Yes they could. So I go on to theorem #2 which is a funky amalgam of some religious/good-girl/virgin brou haha. If you're sucking a guy's dick and swallowing (or not) I'd say you qualify for the non-virgin circle. You're being sexual which is great if you're comfortable with that and doing it safely but why the mind-screw technicalities? It's like those sketchy rules they used to have for athletes trying to maintain the rank of amateur so they could still qualify for the Olympics. They were dying to go Pro but would lose status if they did. Now, no one cares--may the best "man" win...

In my humble opinion, if one has decided they are mature enough to engage in a variety of sexual acts, i.e., giving head and hopefully receiving the female equivalent (although today's note writer is not so lucky) then stop splitting hairs. For god's sake! Cunnilingus and fellatio are SO much more intimate acts than intercourse--you're putting the lips you kiss your mother with in places near to where the sun don't shine so don't give me that I'm-a-good-girl line for this one...

And now back to our regularly scheduled answer. So, this couple is fine with not having sex. What the gal-half of this couple is NOT fine with is the fact that her lover isn't interested in deep-sea diving. Moment of silence PLEASE for this poor woman--I am serious!

There are many reasons a guy won't perform oral sex on a woman--some more serious than others. Let's review them: Not so serious item #1. Some guys are just plain inexperienced and are embarrassed that they don't know how to properly please a woman orally. My feelings on this: it's like the stock market--as long as you're in you can't really go wrong.

Somewhat more serious but not inconquerable item #2: The vagina, at times, can be well, aromatic. Yes, many fragrant vaginae (that's Latin plural for vagina) have created quite the brisk market for the never-in-short-supply tuna joke. If your man isn't driving south for olfactory reasons why not serve him up a just-showered vagina--actually quite sweet smelling with just the lightest woodsy top note--a just soaped healthy vagina should prove quite inoffensive. For the daring and robust clam eater in your life try offering up a post-health club workout gustatory buffet.

Very serious item #3. The guy is selfish and lazy and figures as long as he's gettin' his what's da big deal. Find out which category your man falls into and proceed from there...

But LBF, there's something you wrote that gave me pause and caused me to stop for reflection: One of these things ain't like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. Take these two sentences: "I'm really pissed--in over 2 years, I've only had one orgasm." AND "...and he is an otherwise great lover..." (ape-like questioning sound of Home Improvement guy here)

Which is it? He's a great lover or you never have orgasms? Orgasms and great love go hand in hand in my book. Not that lovemaking is ALL about the big O but do a quick survey around the office and find out how many men enjoy lovemaking without achieving ejaculation. True, a man is not RESPONSIBLE for a woman's orgasm but if he's a loving/caring guy he should be concerned about helping his partner have one. You skip an orgasm once or twice, here and there--big deal--but if your track record is once every two years...another moment of silence please.

The Short Answer: Have I answered your question? Not really huh? That's why I have this Short Answer section--to save my ass when I derail. If your boyfriend has been able to touch you for two years without having sex the fact that he says he no longer "can" (will) is his way of punishing you. He's tired of the no-sex gig and is a little pissed off. Boyfriend wants to have scooty! What to do? Have a talk--understand why the two of you have imposed this artificial no-intercourse rule. If you decide you still need to abide by it then tell him to stop pouting and touch your breasts already for cry eye! And if you decide otherwise, well, enjoy!

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie