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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

I know that I am not the only girl in the world that has problems with the "behind closed doors" saying. I do, however, have a major problem with my boyfriend! When it comes to having sex, it only lasts about 5 minutes!! I never get any enjoyment from this and usually have to solve this myself. Is there anything that can be done to make him go longer than that? Please help!! I'm sexually frustrated.

Signed: All John (name changed to protect the frustrated)

A: Lots o' sex questions this week! What is "up" with that!? If it ain't the three lone ranging 18 year-old gals wanting to know how to please dey mens (see "P.S." at end of column) or the girl who wants to know what sex toys to use to get her cheating boyfriend back (I DON'T make these up) then it's the girlfriend who wants her honey to last more than five minutes! Calgon take me away!

I don't mean to be thoroughly single-track minded or incredibly superficial BUT if the sex sucks what are you doing dating the guy??? Be his friend instead! Have access to and benefit from all the things you like about him (i.e., the way he cooks up steaks on the barby or changes your oil so to speak) and do away with all the things you don't like (inability to pay his bills, keep appointments, get you off...)

Yeah? See the beauty of this? I've said this before and I'll (obviously) have to say it again: sex is the goodie for putting up with life's/your lover's quirks. Nobody's perfect (god don't we hate to learn that one) and in accepting that fact we make a compromise with ourselves. "We" say: well, yes, he dresses a little like a queer bait BUT he's incredibly kind and considerate not to mention smart and funny AND he's awesome in bed! So, right after I've got him in my clutches I'll start him on the beginner's re-dressing plan at Nordstoms (that's what my sister did and it worked! I won't share with you what didn't work...) The trick is to get the guy to think the "re-structuring" plan was his idea...But I digress.

Short of dumping your sucky lover AJ, I revert to my knee-jerk-yet-always-useful advice of trying to talk about your sexual needs WITH your lover. The problem is it's a super sensitive area and most guys (I didn't say "all") think they rock in bed anyway. Unless your guy is just incredibly inexperienced, it's my personal theory that men who suck in bed are selfish and therefore suck in other areas of their lives. The issue just becomes real apparent in the bedroom because the woman is forced to live in the constant gender-equivalent state of "blue balls".

The real problem and God's or Darwin's (take your pick) joke on all of us is that guys touch women how they want to be touched while women are touching guys how they want to be touched. But guess what? Helloooooo? Guys are aren't women AND women aren't guys!!

Guys like a woman to touch the Big Hairy Mohang...yesterday. That's why it stands at attention. It's natures way of allowing Mr. Mohang to say, "Look at me! Here I am! Right here. Touch me. TOUCH me. TOUCH ME!! And meanwhile, women need that foreplay thing--that's why it hides out. It doesn't want to make the scene too quickly. Like a new kid on the block it waits to be coaxed into coming out to play. So here men are touching women the way they'd like to be touched (immediately grabbing it, constantly poking it, always smooshing it around) and the women are touching men the way they'd like to be touched (subtle reconnoitering, peeking at it from around the corner, stealth-like waiting to make their final answer I mean move) and everyone ends up going nowhere fast. Woe to the genitalia!

The Short Answer: AJ, if you're dead set on staying with your (five) minute man then here's my suggestion. In a relaxed and non-threatening environment (i.e., not the bedroom) and while fully dressed tell your lover that you want to work on your sex life together. Get a real clear idea what you like in terms of stimulation because if you don't know what you need how can he provide it? Tell him your particulars. In other words, draw a map. Guys like maps. Maps are very helpful in getting from point A to point B and, from the sounds of it, you need to get to point O so you're going to want an extra long and detailed map. PRAISE him when he's on the right road and gently suggest an alternate route should the two of you detour. Be patient and have fun!

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie

P.S. To the "three lone rangers": I can't tell you how to kiss or touch a guy because A) everyone likes to be kissed and touched differently AND more importantly B) figuring it out together is half the fun (and half the nervousness yes but that's life--full of anxiety.) My suggestion is to close your eyes and let your hands do what FEELS good and right to you. Chances are the guy will love it and you will gain confidence because you had the courage to try it your way!