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Q: Dear Laurie,

My fiancÈ called me a "bitch" and now we are on the verge of breaking up because he thinks he has every right to call me a "bitch". It all started over a game of UNO--yes UNO (I can't believe it either). I cheated and got caught. I am not very good at cheating or lying, for that matter, so I just don't do it. I did it for a bit of fun while playing a game, meant no harm by it whatsoever, and now my life is going to change dramatically over this.

My fiancÈ now is saying I'm a liar and god knows what else I have been hiding from him. I don't think he trusts me. I don't know what is going through his mind. Now he called me a "bitch", not once, not twice, but over and over again in the space of about five minutes. I just can't believe it and don't know what to do.

A: Dear Bitch (just kidding)-- For those of you not-in-the-know, UNO is a mind-numbing variation of Go Fish! except, in this case, you need a special set of cards that you can buy from toy czar Mattel. According to Dan Johnson's Rules-of-UNO web site you must be 7 or over to play...another joke you probably don't find particularly funny. Sigh.

Mr. Johnson insightfully has a section called: "What would a game be without penalties?" where he writes:".if a player plays a Wild Draw 4 card ILLEGALLY and GETS CAUGHT, he must first show his hand to the player who challenged. If GUILTY, he must draw 4 cards."

Now I may have missed it but no where in that description did I read, "If a player plays a Wild Draw 4 card ILLEGALLY and GETS CAUGHT" he gets to call his fiancÈ "a 'bitch', not" UNO :) "not twice but over and over again in the space of about five minutes." AND, nowhere did it say either that he gets to call off the marriage. Nope, didn't read that anywhere.

Aside:

My older sister Becky used to cheat her pants off at Monopoly (she did a lot worse things than that and still got married!) Yeah, she would always insist on playing banker and then, at her discretion and with near clockwork regularity, she'd slip $100 bills from the bank into her own private kitty. I caught her doing it once and was appalled but I didn't stop being her sister. And while it's true that she did go on to lead a temporary life of crime I think the two incidents were rather independent of each other. I don't know this for fact but I'm pretty sure Richard Speck and Jeffrey Daumer were NOT known board-game cheaters. Your fiancÈ is right to be vigilant in today's wacky world but when it comes to stealing an UNO card or two--if that's all it truly was--he can relax...

Sound of hammer falling: Okay, enough of the fun and games here. I think I've been extremely patient. What are you two babies really fighting about? You write: "I don't think he trusts me"--now we're getting somewhere--oh really? And why is that? What's going on between the two of you when you're not dealing cards? Have you truly done things you're not owning that make you UNtrustworthy? What AREN'T you telling me? Either you're acting squeaky clean because you're guilty as they come or your on-the-fence hubby is a total freak which, for some reason, I doubt. GIRL: WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE???

The Short Answer: Your fiancÈ should not be calling you "bitch" or other mean names. No matter what you've done or haven't done--that whole sticks-and-stones thing is b.s. Mean words are hurtful and, once said, they hang in the air like burnt dinner smell. You can NEVER take hurtful words back--NEV-ER. And you, my dear, should not be cheating at UNO and whatever else it is that you're doing. If you guys are really committed to a life together you'll cut out your goofy game playing, think about what it really means to love and be with one another, and get to the bottom of things.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie