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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

I'm 36 and my husband is 42. This man is to hard to believe--I can't keep him off of me. But sometimes I think he gets bored with the same old thing. I ask him and he says, "no". I ask if he wants to try some toys--won't hear of it. Don't get me wrong--the sex is great. I just thought something new would make it even better. Can you help me out? Thanks.

A: Dear If It Ain't Broke-- Break it? Because that's what I'm hearing. From the sound of things you're digging your hubby's chili big time but something in your note just doesn't taste right and I can't figure out if there's not enough red pepper or too much cinnamon...In other woids: My alarm is going off here but I can't figure out where the fire is. You write that everything is good. In fact you flat out ask your husband (good for you!) if he's bored "...and he says, 'no.'" And yet you're hell-bent on making the don't-get-me-wrong-sex-is-great EVEN BETTER. Are you vying for the Best Two-Person Sex award? Because if you are the deadline is March 1, 2000 and you must be 18 or over to enter (which you are); all submitted photos and essays will become the property of BTPS and will not be returned. For more information, please bend over...

Maybe the real issue is that while your husband is satisfied with your sex life YOU aren't...entirely. Sounds like YOU enjoy what's going on but want to explore other sexual avenues while Mr. Hard to Believe is pretty content with the old in-'n-out. In order to move forward I think you need to own that piece of the equation--the "I just thought something new would make it even better" part. Instead of waiting for him to magically guess what you want you may need...TELL HIM. The fact that your partner can't read your mind always surprises and sometimes even shocks people. Should you begin to experience light-headedness or feel dizzy please sit down and if necessary, yes, again, bend over.

Ain't Broke, step 1 is to figure out what you want to do that's new in the bedroom arena. Maybe you don't know exactly but I'll bet you have a tingling I mean inkling. Do you have any fantasies that you've been wanting to act out? Like almost getting caught while doing it in a semi-private place? Or pretending you don't know each other and having him pick you up in a bar? Maybe you want to pick up your man at the airport wearing nothing more than an overcoat and snow boots? Oops, excuse me, we were focusing on YOUR fantasies, right. Sorry.

So, figure out what your fantasies are and then break them down into baby steps so you don't overwhelm the twos of yous at first. Let's do a "for example": Let's say the airport scene is to my I mean your liking. Maybe you could start with the old no-underwear-while-out-for-dinner exercise. Bring a pair of undies in your purse just in case you chicken out half way through (you can throw them on in the bathroom)--when trying something new we want to retain a certain level of comfort. If you have the guts and go through with it and hard-to-believe is not averse to your antics then you can up the ante. Get my drift sister? Pretty soon you'll be hosting dinner parties in nothing more than a Saran wrap dress and tin foil shoes.

You did ask about "toys" in particular didn't you so, always concerned with the thoroughness of my answers, let us touch briefly on bedroom toys. You say "won't hear of it". Will he not hear of it as in: "No honey, don't get up to clear the dishes. It's your birthday--I wouldn't hear of it." OR is it more like: "Bedroom toys!? Oo, gross, disgusting, (stage directions: husband covers ears) don't let me hear another word of it you horrid hussy girl." If it's the former you're home free. Proceed with step 2: Go directly to a sex toy shop, do not pass go, and look around. Ask the sales help about the paraphernalia you have questions about. Don't be shy--more likely than not they will yell across the room like this, "Hey, Jack, are these extra-large benoit balls sold separately from the glow-in-the-dark remote-controlled dildo or is it a package deal?" I think talking loudly and openly about this stuff is the staff's way of trying to make you feel at home--not only is this stuff NOT taboo to talk about it's so NOT taboo you can even yell about it! By an item or two for starters and figure it out from there. If, on the other hand, HtB thinks you're a horrid hussy girl for wanting sex toys, well your work is cutout for you. My policy is you shouldn't force anyone to do anything they're completely uncomfortable doing. Of course you can always ask why he "won't hear of it"...

The Short Answer: Many men worry if Big Pink (personally I'm partial to purple) is introduced into the bedroom then, within a matter of minutes, all their "hard" work will become nothing more than a vague and misty memory and that, if asked to choose, their betrothed would take an 8" piece of battery-powered plastic over their man anyday. That, ridiculousness my dears is called insecurity and, no matter how you slice it, it's a difficult one to get around. The last thing you want to do is make an insecure man more insecure in the bedroom of all places...Maybe your best bet is to start with Big Pink's tiny little brother and proceed slooowly from there.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie