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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

My boyfriend and I have known each other for years. We grew up together. He never had the most solid reputation and I know for a fact that most of it was true. Recently, he and I have gotten back together after a very painful two year split. We still have trust issues to deal with, but we are trying to work through it. My problem is that he has a very old friend who is female and has a thing for him. I know that they have slept together before. She is constantly interfering in our relationship.

My BIG, (and I mean HUGE) problem now is that he has received a hickey from her. He says he hugged her and she just gave it to him. In defense of him she is a large, very playful girl and it could very well have been all her and nothing to do with him. I believe she is jealous being that the one she gave him was right next to and darker than one I accidentally left on him.

I don't know how to deal with her. I don't want to tell him to give up this lifelong friendship, but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, being that she is three times my size that isn't far. So, what's your take on it??

A: Ahhh hickeys...The word dredges up so many cherished memories! Like how when I was nine Cheryl Macomb used to come over to baby-sit me wearing her groovy choker necklace the size of a 2x4 to cover the 4x6 hickey her boyfriend had given her. As she nodded to my parents about "emergency numbers" and "enforcing bedtimes" I watched her neck band ride up and down her throat alternately revealing and covering a red and purple spider-webby network of bruised skin. Just as my parents were leaving I pointed to my neck and asked Cheryl how she hurt herself...

The first (and last) time I got a hickey I had just graduated high school and it took Jose Soler-Baio, at the after-hours graduation party, a solid ten minutes to plant one on me. We kissed for a total of about an hour and a half hour after which he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. I said, "No thank you" and he said, "Okay, but I'll just tell everyone we did 'it' anyway" to which I replied, "Great!" As far as I was concerned that was a total win-win for me--I retained my 17-year-old virginity but still got the reputation for being an experienced sex kitten of the 80s (something I desperately wanted but was too afraid/unknowingly wise to pursue.) Once again disproving Nike's revered theory of "no pain no gain."

Listen up: it takes a few minutes (at the minimum!) to get yerself a respectable hickey (isn't it reassuring to know that in our 21st century hustle-bustle high-tech world that some good things still take time). Granted some hickey makers are quicker/more proficient than others BUT there's no way "...he hugged her and she just gave it to him." Let me repeat: hickeys take time. Like a portrait sitter the hickey receiver needs to stand still...for a while. He (or she) has to keep his (or her) neck at an appropriate angle...for a while. And this person has to tolerate having his/her sensitive neck-skin gnawed on...for a while till the capillaries break causing the bruised purple-ish hallmark o' the hickey :)

You can't just give someone a hug and, as a gracious after thought, hand them a hickey. And, hey, while I'm at it let me debunk a few other old wive's tales like a) you can't grow watermelons in your stomach from swallowing the seeds, b) there is no evidence that the "Little People" of Reykjavick, Iceland do not exist, and c) if someone smacks you on the back with your eyes crossed they won't stay that way...unless they smack you really really hard and then you're probably dead by that time anyway.

Now where was I. Oh, yeah--either this "large, very playful girl" has a kisser on her the likes of even Captain Ahab has never seen or someone's (hint: your boyfriend) is giving you a cock as well as a bull story. WAKE UP SISTER! You already said this guy has a solid reputation for being a lout; you state for a fact that you know he's slept with Miss Large and Playful in the past, and that the two of you have trust issues. So why is the "problem...that he has a very old friend who is female and has a thing for him." Correct me if I'm wrong but I do believe the problem is: Your lousy boyfriend is a cheat who hasn't changed and your blind self doesn't want to see that rather obvious fact. The large, playful side-by-side hickey-giving gal pal don't play no part in this love equation as far as I can tell.

And you were free of this loser for two years and took the time and tears to get back together with him? Why in god's name did you do that? I won't jump into my cause-you're-lonely-and-insecure diatribe. No, and I'm going to spare you the line about finding yourself some self esteem. And I'm totally going to leave out the part about how if you're willing to accept crap, you'll get crap. So, that all NOT said: Get rid of this lying jerk. That'd be my take on it...

The Short Answer: Your BIG, (and I mean HUGE) problem now is that your boyfriend has deceived you once again and allowed himself to receive a hickey from huggy girl (and who knows what she got in return!) In defense of yourself you are blinded by fear of being alone and are using her large size and very playful demeanor as a way to get over the shock of him shitting on you AGAIN!!!!! Of course you don't want to tell him to give up this lifelong friendship--no, of course not. What you want to do is: GIVE UP ON HIM! Good luck honey and remember: time wounds all heels.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie