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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 and a half months. Sometimes we still talk dirty to each other. The problem is, I never know what to say that will compensate for the dirty things he says to me. He is more experienced than me. I don't know what to tell him during phone sex. Any suggestions?

Signed: Ms. L

A: Ms. L. Being the consummate advice giver that I pride myself on being I thought how can I best help Miss L. here? Oh sure, I could tell her things I say or have said in the past but then that'd just be passing on my one little biased dirty-talk monologue. The best way to help the divine Miss L. would be to have her help herself, yes? Give a girl a dirty-talk lesson and she'll repeat what you told her and soon sound like a broken record. TEACH a girl to dirty talk and she'll never be at a loss for words...

When one needs to conduct serious dirty-talk research, in under fifteen minutes, where better to turn for enlightenment than the world wide web. More specifically, after typing "sex chat room" I dialed up the AAA Free Sex chat room (http://www.aaafreesex.com/chat/) where I met the likes of Nasty Slut, KingLionHeart, Squirtgun, Spanky, Private Duty Nurse, Throbbing, Oliver Clothesoff, Lady Licks-it-clean, and Ms. Sweetlips. I, who have never done this before of course (scout's honor but I do sincerely thank Miss L. for giving me this "research assignment" :) was Hotnjuicy. AAA seemed a good safe place for a first-timer like myself. It was quite easy to slide into the queue and get a rap going. Some choice dialogue included:

KingLionHeart: Any ladies want to cyber? (i.e., I believe Mr. King's reference was to engage in a bit of cyber sex.) Nasty Slut: I'm your lady. How do you like it? KingLionHeart: Can you handle my nine inch HOT THROBBING COCK????? Nasty Slut: If your cock is as big as your heart let's go! And so on...

Oh, my god--let me tell you--there is no better way (and, trust me, you don't know what I'm about to say here) to try your hand at verbal seduction than in a safe anonymous environment as the web. Of course translating this same freedom to someone you have to look in the eye come morning casts a slightly different light on the story but is a mere detail that needn't stop you from giving it a whirl--very, uh, shall we say, freeing...Woo-hoo!

From what I've gathered over the years, through this column, and at AAA the #1 guy turn-ons that Miss L. might want to touch on include: A. Guys like to know their johnsons are BIG! B. They want to know their johnsons are BIG! and that you want their BIG! johnson any time of day: morning, noon, or night including mid-morning as well as early-evening C. And these BIG!-johnson guys want to know you want them in whatever manner they wish to give it to you which often is a combination of the upside down and backwards. And the real guy pleaser of all is to manage all this with a sweet smile on your face (even if, at that point, they can't see your face :)

But I break here because one thing Miss L. wrote gave me pause, "The problem is, I never know what to say that will compensate for the dirty things he says to me." It's not a tournament where you win a prize or pay someone back. If you mean you're not sure how to turn him on as much as he turns you on, well, then ask him. But if you're saying you're really uncomfortable to the point of fear/having no fun then you need to say so and game's over. End of story. Or maybe you realize you need to take it slower. Whatever. It's just the two of you so develop whatever ground rules you need to make it feel-good thing. And HAVE FUN!!!

The Short Answer: Miss L.--give yourself the freedom to open this side of yourself up. It may be a little embarrassing at first but part of the beauty of an intimate relationship is developing the trust to do the different things that makes your relationship special--not all these special things have to revolve around sex of course but when they do YEE-HA! Ahem, so, uh practice with the silliness, sexiness, and initial scariness of it all. Then once you feel you have a little experience under your belt ask your lover what he likes to hear--not verbatim--but what topics turn him on. That'll give you a start. If he's turning you on and you gain more confidence about turning him on the whole thing should start to lick I mean click.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie