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Ask Laurie

Intro: A few months ago I did the first of my "Show and Tell" series. I do them when I get the itch to BUST OUT and answer a few questions instead of my usual 1--CRAZY! And in the intro. I share a little story about me--that's the "show" part: I just moved from Chicago and drove the 2200 miles across country. After fifteen hours of viewing dried-up cornfields it has been decided that the states of Iowa and Nebraska will no longer be needed by the United States of America. Please have the owners of those states claim their land at the front desk...

Q#1: Well, I'm going out with this older guy and whenever we have sex he's really bad at it and only thinking about himself...he randomly jiggles on top of me and never gives any thrust or actually goes into me. He's just doing his little jiggle really quick and making weird sounds. This completely puts me off and then he cums real quick and wants the same another five times over. I hate it and I'm not sure how to ask him to go in deeper or what??? What do I do?? Signed: K.L.

A#1: Ick. I hate it too and I'm just reading about it. And you're asking me how to tell him to go in deeper? You mean to tell me, and all our LoveLogic readers, that after that description of (barf) lovemaking you still want to be sexual with this guy? HE-LOOOOOO?

(sound of tape running backwards). What about the only-thinking-about-himself part? Don't you know that selfish-in-bed means selfish-in-life? Don't you? Don't you? When your mother taught you about the Selfish Birds and Bees were you not listening? Were all her efforts in vain/for naught? I'm cryin' here!

Let me re-cap that lecture you snoozed through: selfishness is one of those intractable personality diseases. It's like a MEGA MEGA malignant tumor. Be it a selfish guy or selfish girl--run for the hills and then go over them because that quality does not go away. You may think it's a simple matter of showing by doing, i.e. you bring him flowers, cook him dinner, buy tickets for a play/concert thinking he'll reciprocate but he won't. He'll enjoy what you do for him and expect more of same. I repeat: he will not reciprocate or if he does it will be a dried up, constipated pebble of a gesture. It's true!!

Even were I to answer your how-do-I-tell-him-to-go-in-deeper question he'd never hear you say it--no matter how nicely you (retch) put it. Selfish people are narcissistic. They are very well defended against hearing criticism. The part of the human ear that metabolizes "please change this honey" is not only broken, it's altogether missing. Generations of deluded self-fabulousness has tricked those genes into thinking they were no longer needed and so they handed in their resignation letters and now collect a small pension in a tiny eastern town outside of Yugoslavia.

Q#2: Hi, I am going out with a guy that has a girlfriend. What should I do?

A#2: I don't understand the question. What should you do...today? Next week? Over the next five years? Because it seems you know you're doing something wrong; I mean you wrote in to Laurie's LoveLogic didn't you? And yet you're still going out with the guy. If you know something's on rye :) why do you need me to tell you to CUT THE CRAP? What's up with your own internal crap-O-meter?

Okay then: CUT THE CRAP sweetheart. So you date a guy who's got a gal. You feel good about yourself if he leaves her for you UNTIL he leaves you for someone else. OR you feel cruddy the whole time hoping he'll leave "her" and when he tires of you and goes back to "her" you then feel even worse. It's a lose-lose squares in those business school diagrams you read about. It comes down to that lack o' self esteem thing I keep harping on. REMEMBER folks: water seeks its own level (i.e. you get what you feel good/lousy enough for.)

Q#3: Hi, I love a girl but she keeps on telling me that she doesn't love me but likes me! Her friends keep on bugging me that she loves me and that she doesn't know what to do! I am really in need of help!

A#3: You sure are! Unless you back off and get with the program ('cause the little lady has told you plain and simple "that she doesn't love" you "but likes" you) you're on your way to becoming one fine little stalker. When you start dating her friends you can listen to them but until then turn in your bingo card and move on.

The Short Answer: Hey, I just remembered: Happy Holidays! I should've done a little seasonal lovelorn thing if I had any kind of spirit. Write in with New Year's Eve angst and we can have a go at it next week, kay!?! And now, for all Iowans and Nebraskans, a moment of silence please...

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie

P.S. Animated LoveLogic digital greetings will soon be available on www.egreetings.com! Cool--tell your friends! And to those of you who have written in to praise Laurie's LoveLogic (and your numbers are increasing!) thank you very much--really. And to those of you who have written in with negative comments, well, uhm, I guess you just don't get it :)