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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie,

I think I have recently found my ONE AND TRUE LOVE. He was my very first, and I really, really love him. But the thing is, he SUCKS IN BED!!!! He cums at every touch, and still can't look at my naked body without saying, "Come here big boy!!" BIG PROBLEM THERE cause I am a woman. I am so confused because out of the bedroom, he is THE perfect guy. Please help.

Signed: Brownie

A: Hey, Brown-eye, is "Come here big boy!!" (and I'll say plenty more about that later) your "very first" as in you are his first or he is your first? Because depending on that it changes my advice.

Answer A: You are his very first (which, due to his hair-trigger--pun always intended--cum problem, is what I am thinking) He's new. He's nervous. He's stupid. He's a guy! You two need to have a talk but guess what? You need to have a talk with him, not me. And you need to have this talk in the land of euphemism. Let's see here. We'll need to somehow tone down "SUCKS IN BED!!!!" just a little. Maybe when you have your talk you could use two exclamation points instead of the four you liberally used in your note to me. Ha, yeah, okay, I really do have some helpful advice in here somewhere. Excuse me while I plumb the depths of my bag of tricks. Ahh, here it is: The Girls' Guide Humming and Finishing.

You know that saying "practice makes perfect"? Well it's true and nowhere is it more true than in the bedroom. This guy needs some tutoring. A little guidance. He needs a good teacher since it sounds like his right hand and that cold piece of liver (thank you Phillip Roth) taught him squat about diddly. All hope is not lost. But remember, bedroom issues are always a two-part problem as in both you and he are part of the problem as well as the solution. Sex, vulnerability, and intimacy are difficult areas for everyone. If you think he's to BLAME you'll only worsen the situation. The two of you need to develop a satisfying sex life TOGETHER. So, figure out what you need, find a nice way to say it (no speaking in capital letters and interjections), and then...say it...to him...when you're OUT of the bedroom (oh, god never have sex or serious talks in the bedroom unless you're trying to break up and then that's the best and fastest sure fire way to get single again in no time.) By the way, practice should naturally begin to prolong his hang-time but if it doesn't there are books out there with techniques to enhance that ability so if that's necessary gather your guts, ignore your embarrassment, and look through the sex and relationship section at your local bookstore.

About: "Come here big boy!!" Fudg-ie, this ridiculous and immature behavior needs to be nipped in the butt. You must be VERY clear on this one because over time it will eat away at your self-esteem (yes, it will) and there's nothing I hate more than a nimrod numbnut guy absent-mindedly saying unkind things to cover up his own insecurities. You tell Harry-Cum-Lotly that it hurts your feelings to be referred to as a boy especially a "big" boy and most especially when you're naked and at the absolute height of your femininity. Period. Exclamation point (four if you need them.) Hear me? Give him alternatives. If what he's feeling when he says: "Come here big boy!!" is: you-turn-me-on-so-much-I-can't-wait-to-get-you-near-me then tell him he can say: you-turn-me-on-so-much-I-can't-wait-to-get-you-near-me. Or if it's more along the lines of: you're-so-beautiful-and-sexy-how-did-I-get-so-lucky then tell him he can say: you're-so-beautiful-and-sexy-how-did-I-get-so-lucky. And the list goes on and on. But remember we women (and men) do not tolerate hurtful comments in or out of the bedroom. We tolerate truths said in a respectful manner but not off-hand thoughtless/mean remarks. We just don't. Know that. And remember: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. That one makes sense after you think about it for a while.

Answer B: He is your very first (which I doubt since you seem somewhat aware of bedroom protocol. I mean, at the very least, you're clear on your lover's gender which is more than we can say for some people...) I know the hammer is going to come down on me for saying this but--depending on how old you are--are you sure you've explored enough people to settle on this prize? If you're in your early to mid twenties I will answer that question for you and if you're in your early to mid thirties I'm wondering why your dude is so inexperienced or why you like them so young and inexperienced.

The Short Answer: In this case, we're sick of the short answer, right? Brownie is gunning, and we're rooting, for the long one which I have already given. So, go back to the top and re-read as necessary.

Lovingly and Logically yours, Laurie

P.S. For all of you who write in and can't believe your bad luck in not yet having met the love o' your collective lives please read Q&A titled: Alone, alone on the range -- what's cow tipping got to do with it? And, if it makes you feel any better, always remember you're not alone in your misery and loneliness because everyone that writes in is miserable and lonely :)