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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear You,

I have not been out on a date in three years now and I recently decided to see if I can get back to it. I have since been out on a couple of dates, but am not clicking (in a romantic way) with any of them, and I do believe the feeling is mutual. My problem here is this: if it was my decision to date, then what the h**l is wrong with me that I can't find anyone I want to date on a prolonged basis?

Dear me,
Abstinent in Ohio

A: Dear Blue Balls, ain't that the $64,000 question: "...if it was my decision to date, then what the h**l is wrong with me that I can't find anyone I want to date on a prolonged basis?"

IF ONLY things happened when we god**damned wanted them too. For starters I'd be making money answering these sill*y questions you all write in about, among other things. Ohhh, don't get me started.

"I have since been out on a couple of dates, but am not clicking (in a romantic way) with any of them, and I do believe the feeling is mutual." And what exactly is the problem? Are you Mr. Don Juan drop dead gorgeous snake charmin' man? Do women take one look at you and melt in their panties? Is that it? Cause if that's the case I'm going to give you my private e-mail address.

You're telling me, and everyone else, you've benched yourself for three years and now, all of a sudden "POOF", you think Wonder(bra) Woman is going to be your #1 draft pick? (NOTE: I hate all organized sports except for soccer and maybe tennis so if my sports analogies suck it's because I don't know what I'm talking about--so what's new you ask?) Are your for real? Do you have friends? Do you read this column? If you've answered "yes" to any of the aforementioned questions you'd KNOW there's a lot of angst and woe re: dating and that things never works out in the beginning--or the end, for that matter. I mean if you do finally "get the girl" soon thereafter you realize she's an idiot or has a nasty mother or your friends thinks she's a bitch and the list goes on and on. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

OHIO HONEY, wake up and smell the caffeine! Not to totally rain on your dinner-for-one parade but sometimes it takes YEARS to find that haystack needle. And sometimes "we" are so f*u*cke*d up that "we" can't see what "we" are doing to scare our potential mate away--it's like when you have really bad B.O. that you can't smell on yourself until you happen to raise your arms clear above your head and get a whiff and go, "YOW, what skank can't perform daily hygiene?!" and after looking around you realize you're alone and that that skank is you! So, Not-Gettin'-Any, smelled your armpits lately?

And Absty, what up with "h**l"--when I first came across that I felt like I was on Wheel of Fortune. I bought a vowel and thought for sure I could solve the puzzle but "what the HEEL is wrong with me...?" doesn't make a lot of sense. In the future, as in starting RIGHT NOW, may I recommend not only writing but speaking swear words--like hell** and sh*i*t and we may as well throw in good old f*u*c**k while we're at it. Write and say them in their full unedited grandeur. Don't censor yourself. Let it out. Let it go. Go with it. Ride the tide. In "real" life do you say, "heck" or "shoot" or "gosh darn"? Maybe you do. And maybe then you shouldn't be writing in to me...

The Short Answer: Someday your princess will cum! I guarantee it. In the meantime, calm down, relax, take up knitting or running or bathing. Love will be bestowed upon you but only when you least expect it because life's a kick in the ass that way.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie