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Q: Dearest Laurie,

My situation is this...I am a relatively attractive woman. I have been seeing a short, balding, semi-attractive male for about 5 months now. Well, whenever I'm near him, I'm like jiggling jello. To make a long story short, I have questioned him about the state of our relationship (i.e., are we friends, more, etc.) Well, the answer I get is, "I like hanging out with you."

My question to you is this...should I cut off all sexual relations with him until I get an answer or what should I do to get an answer from him??

Signed, Desperate for an Answer in Wisconsin

A: Dearest Desperate (for an answer) in Wisconsin:

Notice the fine use of the parentheses?? I put them there for a reason because not only do I believe you are Desperate for an Answer I think you are just plain Desperate. (Desperation reeks like bad perfume. If you are feeling desperate, which we all do occasionally, take a breather and sit out a few rounds till it wears off.) Per usual D.I.Ws answer lies within her very own question. She has given us so many plump and juicy clues. So, without further ado--"Pat, I'm ready to solve the puzzle."

Paragraph 2, line 1: "My QUESTION to you is this...should I cut off all sexual relations with him until I get an answer or what should I do to get an answer from him??" Paragraph 1, line 4: pay close attention to the distinct phrasing "...the ANSWER I get is 'I like hanging out with you'" (see that: "the ANSWER I get is". By, god she asks a question and gets an answer. It's like magic I tell you. Magic!)

Desperate, look at me, over here, I'm talking to you: what don't you understand about his answer? Short, balding, semi-attractive male has spoken. He has told you he enjoys tennis, fishing, and the fact that you're available for back-to-back rounds of "hide the salami" and "thankyouverymuch now go get me a beer" (see--Abstract: Girl swallows. Thousands of babies die.) Et c'est tout!

SOUNDS TO ME you don't like short, balding, semi-attractive male's ANSWER but guess what? You asked and boyfriend, I mean screw pal, answered. Unfortunately, Desperate-in-cheeseland, when we ask people questions, while we DO get to formulate the questions, we do NOT get to dictate the answers (unless you're playing the dinner-for-one version and then you get to take on every role).

Harsh! Harsh! Harsh! all of you are saying. I'M even saying it which is why I'm now taking this station break. Jello jiggler, we've all been there (chorus: oh, honey don't you know we have). And when you travel the rocky road to true love (chorus: which, by the way, you are not yet on) you gots to take the balder with the better. And so, during this time of temporary sexual detour (chorus: how good can it be if you describe him as the evolutionary equivalent of a pre-verbal Woody Allen?) get what you need and MOVE ON! Because girlfriend, the two of you are not only NOT more than friends, you don't even really seem to be friends at all (and remember: friends don't let friends drive short, balding, semi-attractive men home).

And one more thing--what is up with you pointing out that you are more attractive than this guy because you sure do make a point of it (as have I)? I get the feeling that you can't believe a guy you find less-than-your-physical ideal is blowing you, I mean not blowing you, I mean blowing you off (there, whew!) I think you're MORE attracted to him BECAUSE he's blowing you, I mean not blowing you oh, forget it. Watch it--that's a dangerous trap--wanting someone simply because they DON'T want you. Then again, I may be blowing, I mean not blowing, no I really do mean blowing smoke out of my ass...

The Short, Balding, Semi-attractive Answer: Desperate? Are you still reading this? If you want more than or from a short, balding, semi-attractive male you need to do your jiggling elsewhere. Think a little more about what you really want from a relationship and then go after it--girlfriends should not settle for anything less.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie