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Q: Dear Laurie:

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years--I'm 21, he's 26. When we met we were both on the same "level", both poor college students just looking for someone to have fun with. Now, I'm making good money while I'm still going to college, and waiting patiently for this relationship to progress to something more while he's dropped out of college, living with his parents because he doesn't make enough money, and dragging his feet when it comes to a committment to me. I imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this guy (believe me--he does have some good qualitities), but why is he acting like our ages are switched? And even more--why doesn't he care that he's not making anything of himself?

Signed: Carrie

A: Dear Carrie:

You don't sound like the big-eared, bun-in-the-oven, red neck type so at 21 what's your marriage hurry? You said yourself when you first went into the dating store you were "just looking for someone to have fun with" and that's exactly what you came out with--expecting Fun Model #206 to turn into marriage material is a little unrealistic.

Bear with me while I do some math here. Let's see, you're 21 now and have been dating the World's Most Ambitious Boyfriend (WMAB) for two years which makes you--take the square root and carry the two--19 when you met. 19! Carrie, that's only 2 3/4 in dog years--you're too young to be planning a life with a shmoe. Why not wait at least five more years to %$#&! up your life--you know, give yourself something to look forward to. On the other hand, starting young in the screw-up department has its advantages--you get it out of your system early, you still have time for an epiphany (at say 27 or 28), you can then do a mad dash to get your psychological shit together (by say 33), meet the man of your healthy dreams (in the produce department of your local supermarket), and live happily ever after.

"Believe me--he does have some good qualities."
I'm trying to think what those qualities could be that would override what you've already told me. I'm trying to think what you could tell me that would convince me to cross out everything I've written thus far and stand up and cry: Carrie may have her sights set on a loser but he is a very SPECIAL loser. Hallelujah and praise the Lord!

"...why is he acting like our ages are switched?"
First of all, in terms of relative maturity a 26 year-old male IS the equivalent of a 21 year-old female (if he's at all lucky). I have a whole theory on maturity which I will now elucidate for you: while it's true that size matters, age, on the other hand, does not.We are each born with what I call a "maturity achievement center" that is pre-programmed at birth to reach, and not exceed, a specified level regardless of input, i.e. life activities.

Carrie, when you met the WMAB you and he were at the same level of maturity--his maturity center having already achieved maximum full-throttle potential while yours was just kicking in. As you were preparing for take-off he was negotiating how best to avoid a crash landing.

"And even more--why doesn't he care that he's not making anything of himself?" I think Popeye said it best: "I yam what I yam." (translation: WMAB yis what he yis...)

The Short Answer: Alas, I have once again reached the end of another sheet of paper which is my cue to wrap/shut up. I leave you with this: In my humble and soon-to-be-syndicated opinion if you push hard enough your college dropout, live-at-home, committment phobe, pauper of a boyfriend will marry you (I guarantee it) and then you'll be the lucky owner of a slightly used college dropout, live-in-YOUR-home, committment phobe (he'll find other things to drag his feet on, believe me) pauper of a HUSBAND. Congratulations and good luck.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie