Back | Forward

Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie: First of all, I would like to commend you for your TERRIFIC advice in "It's a lonely world out there"--you were dead on the money, girl!!! Anyway, here's "the thing"--what do you do when Prince Charming turns back into a toad? I was dating this guy for about four months and he was as sweet as apple pie. He'd pick me up, pay for stuff, open doors the whole nine yards--I mean, this guy was a TOTAL sweetheart--he was sensitive, caring, and listened, and we were able to discuss and work through any little conflicts we had--he called me almost every day and he even began planning for our future together. But all of a sudden our dating-dynamic underwent a 90 degree turn for the worse--instead of cuddling, he'd start trying to maul me inappropriately in public places, he'd make sexual inuendoes around our friends and my siblings (horror of horrors), and he began making cracks about us "shacking up together". It almost seemed like he had become a totally different person! At the beginning of our relationship I made it VERY clear that I was not going to sleep with ANYONE but my husband (hey, it's my choice--it's not like I didn't give him an "out"), and he seemed fine with this (although he did warn me that he could be quite "persuasive" and he had been quite sexually active before we met but implied that he had "changed"). How can someone who professes to care (at one point he even used the "L" word) suddenly treat me with such disrespect? And it wasn't like he was a "player"--he had seemed really sincere! I know it wasn't anything I did, so what could cause such a sudden change? (As an aside, I put up with these little "incidents" for exactly one week before I unloaded this loser--my mamma didn't raise no fool!) Zero Tolerance

A: Does it seem a little self serving that I picked a LoveLogic question that sings my praises? Well, let that be a lesson to all of you: sing my praises and I guarantee you'll get answered! First off, let me commend Z.T.'s mamma for not "raising no fool". Seriously. AMEN! At first read it seems Zero Tol. has answered her own "question" having "unloaded" her Prince Charming cum toad "loser". But I think there is more to be learned here than meets the eye and I'll tell you why, but first you must bear with me while I give you a little background. I had another question this week from S.J. who revealed some rather personal info. which I will in turn reveal to you and so will keep her identity a mystery. See, I do have a heart. S.J, a 19 year-old virgin, falls hard for a friend's "sweet, nice, sexy" cousin and after knowing him one night and feeling very "comfortable" gives him a blow job (thankyouverymuch) and refrains from sex only because she's on her period--(isn't it nice how our reproductive systems kick in to save us from potentially regrettable compulsive decisions?) S.J. even felt "safe enough to tell him that I had been sexaully assaulted in 1995" (huh, sounds like she felt safe enough to tell me too). S.J. THINKS her dilemma is telling her friend, who, btw, also has a crush on Mr. Sexy, about her sexploits. I beg to differ. The real dilemma is, as Zero points out, that PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM at first blow job. S.J. "assumes" when sexy cousin friend moves to town, which he is planning to do, B.J. and she will "start a serious relationship". Maybe...maybe NOT! Maybe this guy IS as safe and trustworthy as he appears but then again maybe NOT. Aside from licking his dick and a few late-night confessions he's a veritable stranger. Now, time for my weekly diatribe (follow along with the bouncing ball): Why do women (and I say "women" specificially because men, in general, have the good sense not to do this) give up the whole kit, including the caboodle, upon meeting Mr. potentially Right (it's the caboodle part that kills me...) Because you know what girls? At such an early juncture that "sweetheart" man is just as much Mr. potentially Right as he is Mr. potentially Wrong! Get it? Can you even hear me with all that love juice in your ears? -------Would ya' lend a stranger $1,000? Then why in the world would you give your precious and PRICELESS self (and I ain't referring to just the sex part) over to someone you JUST met?------- Am I saying to never trust a soul, don't get close, carry a bat in your trunk? I don't think so. What I am saying: what's the big hurry to obtain full disclosure? In-the-moment comfort and pseudo bonding (that's "bonding" not "bondage" which is altogether another story) ain't real, not to be relied upon, is as structurally sound as a sand castle in the sun. There's nothing like time to tell. Many women are so desperate to have a dick I mean dude in their life that they drop everything, close their eyes, hold their noses, and leap into relationship with vigor that would put a tsunami to shame--a practise, I might add, that's most often surefire to wash the guy clear away. The short answer: Girls, treat your personal revelations/emotional wares like the treasures they are. Be patient. Get to know someone the old fashioned way (run a credit check :) Keep an eye on your self respect. Rest assured that a good man will come into your life if you can stand the interim period of having no man. And remember--"no man" is better than a "crappy man" unless you receive word of a confirmed Armageddon in which case you should grab the first one you see and run to your nearest bedroom.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie