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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie:

Is there something wrong with me? I seem to always date people who live far, far away. I can't seem to settle down with a nice local girl--I always go for the wonderful long distance girl. Is there anything wrong with this or does it seem okay to you?

Yours trustingly, Dazed by Distance

A: I had three "can't get close" questions this week so today's discussion will be: "People who can't get close and their lovers who like that".

Dear Dazed by Distance:

Are you dazed as in "dazed and amazed" which makes your daze-ment sound like a good thing OR are you dazed as in stumbling around like you just got bonked on the head which would most definitely be a bad thing. I'm thinking the latter since you are writing me. And since you asked...

Yes, indeed! There is something wrong with you IF ( and here's the important qualifier I use which allows me to be so judgmental) you want to experience real intimacy.

IF you want to be able to tell people you have a girlfriend and not be lying but don't want the hassles/ups/downs/needs/wants of a real live person then long-distance dating is just the ticket for you! On the other hand, IF you want to experience true intimacy--what it means to really love someone (warts and all) then long-distance dating is the wimp's--and currently your--way out.

Being truly intimate means coming face-to-face with your own flaws/limitations/issues, sharing them with someone else (eek!), and learning to deal considerately/maturely. Jung believed relationships complete people in that what we lack in ourselves we seek in our love partner (the whole anima/animus, yin/yang thing, you get it). In its healthiest form each individual gains in himself what he was lacking and the couple is complete. More often than not, this external search to satisfy what's missing from within results in those hot-headed, button-pushing, highly argumentative, break-up/make-up relationships that all of you, I mean all of your friends, write in about. Woe is all of us.

Hey, Dazed, did you notice the distinction you made: "Wonderful" long-distance girl vs. "nice" local gal? I'm thinking she's one and the same with one small difference: location! location! location! I would venture to guess that Girl A encountered locally would seem "nice", but send her away to a far off place and, VOILA, she becomes "wonderful"!

The short answer: DbD, call me crazy, but I'll bet you have trouble getting close in general (not just to women). I'm thinking your friend relationships are emotionally distant too. Hmmm? What to do? What to do? Might I suggest a scoop of local love with a little group therapy on the side (hold the nuts...)

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie

P.S. Oh, and to the 14 year-old girl who's slept with eight (8!) guys already, who's eyes itch when their open and who sees "worms" when they're closed, go see an eye doctor already will you and stop boinking every Tom, Dick, and Harry (especially Dick...)!