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Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie:

Can I teach my boyfriend how to be a boyfriend?

A: I was scrolling through this week's questions feeling alternately annoyed, bored, frustrated, infuriated, and bored by everyone's woes wondering how best to approach this week's entry. Question topics included:

1. A man feeling obligated to marry a woman who lied about the origins of "his" baby (not his).

2. There was one about a woman who fell in love with a guy friend she's living with who told her from the get go they were just friends but she keeps insisting on trying to be his lover.

3. Oh, and of course, there was the weekly smattering of:
how-can-I-get-her-to-sleep-with-me and how-can-I-get-him-to-stop-trying-to-sleep-with-me.

Then I hit on this short, sweet, simple little ditty of a question: "Can I teach my boyfriend how to be a boyfriend?" To me, this question sums up the theme of everyone else's questions so nicely that I thought I'd expound on it. Distilling it all down, this seemingly innocuous question asks: What's the best way to get a round peg into a square hole?

People?! Don't you get it? Your job on this earth ain't to change everyone that comes into your life. Being with someone is supposed to ADD something to your existence not diminish it to the point where you feel you have to write into an anonymous on-line love column and bitch (but if you stop writing in there'll be no more Laurie's LoveLogic so forget what I just said...)

Read my type: "NO"--unequivocally "no"--you can't teach your boyfriend how to be a boyfriend. Can you tell him your wants and needs? Can you let him know when he hurts your feelings? Can you tell him what you like about him? "Yes", "yes", and "yes". And all he can do with that information is receive it, run it through his maturity center, and either act like a mensch (nice guy) or be the jerk that he may unfortunately be programmed to be. And if that's the case--that he's the jerk he is unfortunately programmed to be--don't think you'll be the one woman (or man) to change this zoned-out creature.

(Paragraph of compassion: I know it gets lonely out there which is why you all are trying so hard to make these unlikely unions work but may I make a suggestion--instead of freaking out/feeling like crap-ola while trying desperately to mend a doomed relationship work why not have a little faith that if you sit back and relax--relinquish some control--things will work out WITH THE RIGHT PERSON in the end.)

We now return you to our regularly scheduled Laurie: More importantly, ask yourself why you'd even want to be the one to waste your time trying to change someone! Do you have grandiose fantasies about your power over people and situations? Do you feel like crap about yourself and think you can't do any better? Are you a glutton for punishment?

I'm sure I've skipped over a few choice scenarios but my point is: when you see the signs of chronic trouble with someone why not leave and realize this is not the right partner for you. The whole point of dating is to get practice and ultimately end up with someone that brings you happiness and joy. You know you've mastered the dating game when you find yourself attracted to someone that you feel COMFORTABLE around and who feels comfortable around you (and treats you well). You are then playing with the right partner which is what the dating game is all about.

The short answer: When a relationship feels shitty day in and day out AND you've made a couple of heartfelt attempts to communicate your feelings to no avail then cut your losses and va-moose: find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile and drive, drive, drive...

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie