Back | Forward

Ask Laurie

Q: Dear Laurie:

Three weeks ago I finally gave my girlfriend of five months her walking papers. I hated hurting her but she's just not the one for me. A couple weeks later I met a girl who I like a lot but now, just as momentum is building, the ghost of relationships past is rearing its ugly head - my ex wants to get back together, but I want to keep seeing this new girl. The problem is I can't stand the thought of hurting my ex and I find myself slowly falling back into the relationship. Please help.

Signed: In Need of Ghostbusting

A: Dear Failed Ghostbuster: You're a dick. No, just kidding but I get frustrated when I hear good things happening to bad people or is it the other way around... Okay, let's tease out the issues because, as my friend Michele would say, "I see some ithues here!"

Issue #1. How you feel

Our supreme leader, or whatever it is you do or don't believe in, gave us guts for a reason. Yes, one use is to fill it with beer and let it drape endearingly over your pant's belt, but we also have guts, or intuition, to tell us how to proceed in life. How you feel instinctively, before you intellectualize and give yourself a mind screw, is, nine times out of ten, your True North - what you need to be doing - or, more importantly, what you WANT to be doing.

Granted, we can't always do what we want but, in matters of romance, you need lots of love glue to get you through the long-term and if, at five months, you're already coming undone, cut your losses and move on.

Issue #2. Why you think you should ignore how you feel

What emotionally unhealthy game are you choosing (because life is all about choice) to play by staying with a woman you do not want to be with. You don't want to hurt her - good for you but last I checked being dishonest about your feelings is hurtful and lacks courage. Don't confuse having to tell someone something they don't want to hear with being hurtful (see Phenomenon #5 - Lie To Me). It is called honesty and you can say hard things in a kind way.

The short answer: Give up the ghost! Take a deep breath, continue with Plan A and dump your ex (only give her running papers this time!) and have the courage to take a gamble with the new girl. Granted she's not a sure thing BUT life, in its maximum splendor, is all about calculated risk. Good luck!

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie