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Ask Laurie

Q: Why do married men have affairs?

Thanks,
Gina

A: Oh, Gina! Crazy Gina. Silly Gina. Am I correct in assuming that your married man is having an affair on you or is this just a rhetorical question? If I am correct, my knee-jerk response would be dump the Fat Bastard (courtesy of "Austin Powers 2") then again, I know there are two sides to every story, and in your case, there are probably three, huh?

Considering the male biology--the fact that they are mechanically designed to impregnate the world from age 12 till death while we females gestate for nine months at a pop during our approximate 30-year viability window--I think the real question here is: Why don't more married men HAVE affairs. Yes? Agreed? In fact, why are men faithful AT ALL?

When I listen to my male friends (and I think this means I probably need to get a brand spanking new set o' male friends) in an ideal world they would be doing "it" with as many women in as many Karma-Sutric positions as is physically possible with the most minimal amount of down-time for eating and making a living. If a man could, it is my professional opinion that many would like their personal black books AT LEAST the size of a large metropolitan area's white pages minus the front government and city/county sections.

"But Laurie," you say, "what about true love and getting swept off our collective feet by Prince Charming and living happily ever after etc. etc." Long live fantasy, and hope, and slightly modified fairy tales girlfriends is what I say!! Not all men are cheaters but the 150 million I mean few that are, are giving everyone else a bad name, now aren't they? Yeah, not all men are sniff doggy dogs, skank monsters, slow-shuffling one-eyed sloths--no siree Bobitt. But, for those of you blessed with one, well, I think Nancy Sinatra summed it up nicely when she sang that killer tune of hers: These Boots were Made for Stalking...(off her CD titled "Boots"--she's so clever.)

Can you teach an old dog new tricks? Part of the problem is that these dogs know too many tricks already it seems. Personally, infidelity is one of my non-negotiables with mitigating circumstance playing about a 1% role in the decision-making process. But Gina, only you can decide for yourself why "your friend's" man cheated and if said friend can live with this type of behavior in a mate.

I didn't really answer your question, did I? Okay: The short answer: Men cheat because they can--often because there is a problem at home with which they are too chicken-shit I mean emotionally ill-equipped to deal. They go elsewhere to find temporary solace/relief. From high atop my soap-box I am a big proponent of finishing dinner before starting on dessert. Oh, and honeys, while I understand cheating-type relationships can be exciting count on this, like money in the bank: if he cheated to be WITH you eventually you he'll cheat ON you.

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie