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Q: Dear Laurie:

Good to have someone to talk to about my problem. Hope you'll provide me with an answer as well. I am a 30-y young woman with a boy, who's 8, divorced (since 3 years) and madly and passionately in love with a fairly handsome photographer who happens to be my (not next door) neighbor. He's single, we are together for a little bit more than a year now, but the problem is he's very thoughtful about almost anything he has to make a decision about. If it isn't the holidays (we still have not decided what to do this year for our first holiday together, he likes biking but that's not really possible with my 9-y old the way he is used to) it's which movie to go to, or whether or not he wants to go with me to eat at my parents or friends houses.

And the hardest thing of all is that he is still not sure if he loves me or not. He wants to get married and live with someone for the rest of his life, maybe even have kids, but he is not convinced that I am that someone. Well, you might think, that's no big deal, you only met a year ago, so it's not all that strange that he doesn't know it yet. You're absolutely right of course if it weren't for him letting me know all the time. He's so very honest about everything (and that's also a very reassuring thing I know) that he always tell me when he is doubtful about our relationship. He says there are time he knows almost for sure that we will get married in the end, but there are also many times he's not so sure at all. The thing is, I understand him fully, he's been alone for more than 10 years, having a few sideway affairs, but he's so used to being alone and not prepared to give up his freedom so easily. Still it makes me awfully uncertain.

I know I love him and want to live with him, he's the very love of my life. But this uncertainty makes me want to cling to him far too much. I'm afraid of giving him the freedom he so badly needs. I know that to have someone means to let him go and trust him to come back on his own. I trust my man, but knowing that he is not in love with me and doesn't sometimes even know if he loves me, makes me so afraid of losing him to someone he'll fall in love with.

Maybe this all sounds rather stupid, but writing this to you has already helped me a little bit to put things in perspective. I do hope you'll write me an answer, because I would very much like to know how you would deal with a case like this.

Thanks anyway for letting me unload my heart.

Yours truly,
ZoÎ

A: First of all ZoÎ (and for those of you wondering, the two dots over the "e" are called an umlaut and how she got her keyboard to spit one of those out is beyond me. I resorted to copy/paste which is, in a way, cheating but I end up respecting her individuality nonetheless), has a lot to say if you hadn't noticed. I was going to edit down her plight because, in a nutshell, it reads as follows: selfish, commitment-phobic puer (Jungian for "eternal boy") can't decide if he wants to be fireman, Indian chief, or candlestick maker. But I thought there was something inherently wrong with editing one's plight--I'm sure you'll all write in and let me know.

ZoÎ, ZoÎ, ZoÎ--you write, "Well, you might think, that's no big deal," we "only met a year ago, so it's not all that strange that he doesn't know it yet." AU CONTRAIRE MON FRERE! A year is plenty of time for two mature adults (I'll bet anything this guy is in his late 30s if not early 40's) to know if they are in love with each other. Those who say they don't know typically are either incapable or do know and are afraid to say it/be alone.

ZoÎ dear--do you have a pair of running shoes? Because you need to put them on, lace them up tight, and run for the nearest set of hills. This guy, who's "been alone for more than 10 years..." (oh, what a surprise) ain't going to come around (holidays, movies, biking--all of life's serious decisions weigh heavy on this guy's soul, don't they?) For whatever reason he's missing the relate-ability gene or he lost it along the way or it was revoked at some point. And he's MEAN--giving you his emotional weather report every hour on the hour. Who asked? You say he's "honest", I prefer to call him neurotic but you're a better euphemist than I.

In addition to a pair of running shoes ZoÎ do you have a fishing pole? Get one and swallow it in the hopes that your sense of self and self esteem may bite and you can haul them up from the depths of your soul. The only kind of woman that waits around with these kind of guys is one that doesn't feel very good about herself and I suspect that might be you.

I will give you a money-back guarantee that this guy has done this with every woman he has ever dated. And he ain't gonna change. He's got it very easy right now--you're devoted and agreeable to waiting around while he stands on one foot and then the other. Tell Mr. Passive-Aggressive-Manipulator-Shit-Heel (that's PAMSH for short) that all relationships are fraught with I-love-you/I-don't-love-you (why do you think Matt Groening's cartoon "Life in Hell" is so goddamn popular?!) The difference between Mr. PAMSH and the rest of the world is that mature normal compassionate people do not have to broadcast every feeling and can deal with the anxiety that life's twists and turns provokes (or they have a very good shrink).

The short answer: You say (this guy is) "thoughtful" I say "selfish". Let's call the whole thing OFF!

Lovingly and logically yours, Laurie