'Til Dump Do You Part

So, you've dated a certain woman long enough to call her your "girlfriend". Fast forward a bit and now you've dated her long enough to call her your "ex girlfriend". Congratulations, sort of.

Time to slip-out-the-back-Jack except if you've dated long enough to do the deed and use the "g" word slipping-out-back isn't really so pretty. "Millions of guys do it. Why shouldn't I?" True, but think about it: these guys are being incredibly rude to what could very well be your future wife. And vice versa-you're about to dump your bro's bride so, with that in mind, let's dump graciously, shall we? Here's how:

•  Who: Keep in mind you were once very jazzed about this woman you're about to throw back in the sea. The fact she's bugging the living crap out of you now isn't the whole story. In order to dump with compassion, and live a balanced life in general, you must hold the opposites. Remember the golden rule: dump others as you would have them dump you.

•  What: This category covers the logistics of dumping such as what to wear and getting your stuff back. Don't look super cute when you dump your girl. Don't wear a shirt she gave you or one you know she loves or slept in. And, don't whatever you do, wear her favorite cologne. You'll just linger that much longer. Set a time, date and/or place where you will return personal goods prior to ending your final conversation so you can tie up loose ends quickly. Say, "I know this is hard and the timing is poor, but I'd like to know when would be a good time to return each other's things." If there's resistance, use it as an opportunity to practice no attachment, kiss your things good-bye and chalk it up to the cost of doing business.

•  Where:

•  Do not dump in public-it's the mark of a coward; one of the wormier qualities a male can possess. Giving someone the heave ho is private business, emotional and messy. Doing it in public forces the dumpee to either maintain composure or be further humiliated by falling to pieces in front of complete strangers. Being the cause of that is bad karma.

•  Do not dump at your place. It's misleading. She's all happy cat coming over to see you and then BAM! (or no bam if you catch my drift). You catch her off guard, you tell her she no longer floats your boat and, on top of all that, you show her the door-ouch!

•  Do dump in the comfort of her own home. While it's counter intuitive, she feels more in control. After you break her heart she, at least, gets to tell you when to leave. Small compensation, but when pride is on the line every bit counts.

•  Why: When she asks " why", be vague. Say, "I'm sorry, but my feelings have changed." If you give her specifics, ie controlling nature, bad in bed, she will latch onto those reasons like a rapid dog thereby quadrupling her healing process. She'll pressure you for more to be sure, but don't take the bait. Say, "It's hard for me to put my finger on any one thing. What we shared was real. It's just that my feelings aren't as strong as they were or as strong as I need them to be to move forward." Remember, you are dumping someone's future bride so say all this with as much sincerity as you can muster even if you're not entirely sure what the hell you're doing.

•  When: The sooner the better. The minute those nagging thoughts of "she's not the one" enter your head, the gig is up. The longer you wait the longer you drag her through the mud of your ambivalence. Regardless of time of year, holiday season etc. give nagging thoughts two weeks MAX to gestate and then gather the troops.

•  How: Be direct. Be brief. Do not leave anything open to interpretation. Say, "I'm really sorry Susan, but this relationship is not working out as I had hoped. We need to stop seeing each other." Don't touch her even when she starts to cry-you can't play rejecter and comforter at the same time. Yes, it'll be awkward but that's what everyone signs on for when they attempt love. There's no such thing as a clean getaway so get over that idea. And while it is technically a dialogue for the simple fact there are two of you present do not allow the conversation to drag on-thirty minutes MAX. Any longer and you two will either end up in bed or crying together (or both) and then you're right back to Dumping Square 1.