High-tack Dumping-a hierarchy

The beauty of the 21 st century is there are so many ingenious, high-tech ways to look as if you're relating to someone when you'd really rather not! From voicemail to email with a little PDA in between it's never been easier to send kisses or a kiss off without ever having to offer a Kleenex. Place caveat here: if you've gone on five or more dates, put on birthday suits together and/or met parents then face-to-face dumping is de rigeur. That said, the hierarchy of high-tack dumping is as follows:

•  Phone (land line)-Nothing like Ma Bell when you need to tell someone to go to hell. There is intimacy, humanity, integrity (occasionally) in experiencing the human voice. It's the next best thing to being there (tip: call collect and save a buck or two).

•  Phone (cell)-Can you hear me dumping you now? Well, you've got points for pseudo integrity but it's sort of net zero since the cell phone is the penultimate symbol of person on the go as in gotta go. Bye!

•  Voicemail-We've still got that gauze-thin veil of integrity going but there's no room for repartee or "I hate you". On the other hand, "I hate you" is highly overrated.

•  Snail mail-Ok, so there's nothing high-tech about sending a letter but it has such romantic appeal for a seriously unromantic purpose I couldn't resist. Inherent in real, live letters is the staggered effect of time which keeps everyone bitterly on their toes and ironically, after all is said and done, the dumpee is left with a little something old/new/borrowed while feeling blue.

•  Email (home)-Ahhh, the digital Dear John. No handwriting to contemplate or intonation to soften the blow. Hitting delete provides the intended with a morsel of satisfaction and if you're both on AOL you can see if it was read!

•  Email (work)-this is really the nastiest of them all (a true Letterman Top 10). It's impersonal and being at work it adds that delightful element of sucker punch surprise. Those who dump this way will eventually rot in hell but if your current state of affairs resembles your own private Ida-hell it just might be worth it.

•  Instant messaging-If you're completely pre-human and running on nothing but a brain stem and Red Bull then this is the medium for you. It's quick it's (sl)eazy and if you met this way in the first place, well, voila storybook ending.